This is the moment I have dreaded the most

This is the moment

I have dreaded the most

Three months have gone by

they have been full of

hoping

praying

nursing

worrying

growing

caring

sharing

rushing

We have been so involved

in making Grammy better

we knew it was bad

but we had a plan

and it was always working for the next step

in the process

Then she was gone

just like that

gone

but

before we could pause

and really let it sink in

we were on the go again

planning

to give her the best remembrance

that she deserved

It has been four days

that have seemed like forty four

of planning

rushing

crying

praying

and doing

Each time a tear starts to creep up

we can surround ourselves with a task

to help mask

the pain

but now

now is the moment

I have dreaded most

all the meets and greets

words and hugs

are done

prayers have been given

kinds words have been spoken

and now

I am left with

an empty house

and no task at hand

I knew that this

indeed would be the hardest part

Yes

we are surrounded by love

but the hole is huge

I won't even try to say

all the things I would like to say

After hearing my husband

no word

can begin to compare with his

He is truly amazing

His mom, my mom

would be

and is

so proud

so proud

It is such a shame

that we say all of these things

after our loved ones are gone

I have spoken of the stages of grief before

guilt

denial

anger

depression

acceptance

But I

still stuck in guilt

can't help but to think

I wish I had said more

done more

was there more

I know I was

I know I did a lot

but we always want to do more

have said more

have done more

Why did I not look into her eyes

and told her how much

she meant

I just assumed

that it would be premature

and that there was no reason

to be talking like that

I wanted to believe

that we did indeed

have more time

Why is it

that at funerals

is when all of these things are said

It saddens me

that she could not be

on the pew with us

hearing all of these things

I wanted her to know

All the things her sons said about her

I know she heard them

But she deserved more

I guess it goes back to what was said today

we are always in a rush

we always thing there will be another day

we always plan on that next time

I feel so lucky

to have the husband that I have

I have fallen in love all over again

he is my soul mate

As others fall out of love

I am more in love

then ever before

He is the real deal

and I am seeing now

why

His mom did good

so good

She raised him

to be the father and husband that he is

so she

could spoil the grandkids

I get it now

She was hard then

so he grew up so perfect

and then

she let down her guard

and spoiled those kids rotten

Like Kevin said

it is hard to hear

that she is in a better place

what could be better then being here

with her husband that is so in love with her

her sons that adore and respect her

her grand kids that love her to pieces

what could be better then that

yes that is hard to hear

but we are not to understand

we are not to question

God does indeed

have a plan

I sure do wish

I had my dogs here to hug

their constant happy faces

and tails wagging

would be a huge comfort

when all is sad around us

Grammy and I had long talks about my

poor grieving skills

she lectured me on a daily basis

how she understood to be sad

and to miss

but this guilt stuff was just silly

I can't stop hearing her voice tell me that

I need to remember it now

I just want her to know

that I did indeed love her

and respect her

so so much

I wish

all those times we talked

that I told her that more

But yes

all she usually wanted to talk about

were the kids

and me

and how we were doing

everyday

everyday

I still have four messages on our answering machine

I will not erase these

It is nice to play them back

and pretend that Grammy just called

wanting me to call her back

I want to so bad

Just call her back

if I only could

Wow

this so hard

I know I can talk to her

but I want her here

right here

It was a beautiful day

perfect for her

So thankful for the many many blessings in our lives

I will live in the moment

for here on out

I know I will forget

I know I will get off track

but I will get back on

and know

that while all else is important and great

family is what makes us full

and when we feel a hole in our heart

only family

and warm memories

can fill it