Why is it that I am never still
I am either thinking of what I am about to do...what I should be doing...how I just did what I did well or not so well. Night is a time for me when I sit back and reflect over the day. It is easy for me as I see sweet sleeping faces to wonder how I could have ever been frustrated or impatient for a moment. I do find myself comparing myself to other moms. I like to think I am about the most patient out there....
I have been accused of a lot of "not know sweetie" and quite a few "ok sweet pea" when many other moms I have watched tell them to get it themselves or in a not so enthused manner get it for them....
I find it frustrating to find the two extremes of thinking. I wish more then anything I could be a "gray" thinker. What I mean by this is it does not have to be all or nothing....I do not have to get it right all the time...but just most of the time....
I do not have to smile through a 4 year old
tantrum but I also don't have to yell....I find myself doing the first. I feel that I should never loose my cool
never talk down ....or seem the slightest frustrated. And if I do...that is what I remember at the end of the day. I find it hard not to want to list out to the kids...
"do you remember how I got your breakfast....exactly how your ordered it....got your thirds on milk....made a train set....cleaned up your morning messes...took you to point a to b to c...had a fun time at the store buying things that you wanted and needed.....made yummy lunches...went to Chick fila on a spur of the moment....went to movies....played hours of baseball in the yard...searched high and low for books that you want....cleaned your clothes....washed your faces....got presents for your friends....searched for the perfect tutor....psychologist and speech therapist....made curtains for your doll house....cooked cookies at 10 just to be fun...swan in pools and judged splashes and dives....Gone to dairy farms...theme parks and movies that I have seen over and over....rented redboxes...signed up for sports leagues and made snack schedules....packed lunches....grocery shopped with four hanging out of the cart and cleaned up throw up...split milk and who knows what else.....
I list this because...all I want in return....all I want really....
Is for my four kids to know I love them.....
That they are my everything
That I would do anything for them
because I love love love them SO much
That is why when they fight...yell and seem selfish at times I get a little annoyed
And then at the end of the day I feel guilty that for one second, or maybe a little more I sounded sarcastic or frustrated with them. Then I get a look as if I am not being nice...you hate to list the above and say really? really? All I want is a happy child that seems appreciative and treats each other respectively. Again, I never want a pat on the back. I love every minute of it....what I don't love is those moments when you feel like they just don't care about anyone or anything other then themselves or what they want in that moment. I know they are kids
They are wonderful
I feel like I truly have good sweet kids....
Just at night....is when I look back and think why was every moment not perfect
then I feel guilty for thinking that
Of coarse its not
it should not be
I just never want them to think of me as frustrated.
that sounds so bad
This should be good for them to see from time to time
I guess I just feel it is human nature to take the one or two minutes my patience running low that is what they would remember....
but then I get glimpses of Samantha wanting to help with her brothers as one is pulling my hair and biting my neck, one is lying on the floor wanting something to eat and one is wanting to throw baseball in the yard for the tenth time in the past hour....
I feel guilty that what I jsut listed takes up 99% of my day
But she knows that we have a bond like no other....I hope
She needs to know that I love her and appreciate her more then I could ever show her....I trust her like no other....really
I get a get a glimpse of it from Bo when he always wants to hug and still asks to be rocked. When he tells me how much he loves his baseball bat and throwing in the yard....when you gets so emotional and wants to talk to just mommy in his room....I get him...and he knows that....
Well, I guess I can say Bay and Crae show me glimpses when they throw themselves on the floor when others are around or whine continuous....I guess that is their love language at the moment....
I want to read every book out there on how to be the perfect mom...not the perfect mom in the sense of neat and pretty...all in order...
but the perfect mom where the kids learn respect and to serve GOD and love each other....
The perfect mom where there is a balance of harshness because if there is not then I am whipped and hung out to dry
The perfect mom where there is a go with he flow attitude and thoughts are taken too seriously
At the end of the day all that really matters is that they are healthy clean and happy
and clean really does not matter
At the end of the day it really does not matter that we did not read for 15 minutes each
we did not eat all five servings of veggies
we did not stick to a strict schedule
we were a little late or a little early (yeah right)
that I made the perfect dinner
the house is clean
laundry is done and everything is in order
The only think I want in order is acceptance
Acceptance that is is what it is
That God planned the day to go how it went
Yes, I have choices and can choose the path...but ultimately
there is SOOOOO much of a bigger picture out there then I could ever wrap my mind around
When I read of others and their positive attitudes it makes me want to pinch myself and say really
Really how could you ever be negative ever
My goal,....my ongoing goal is to trust the process.....take the positive and feel good about it and take the negative and feel good about it too.....
I don't have to read every magazine, cookbook, letter, Facebook post, pin on pintret or email
There are a million books out there that really all say the same thing
I will stumble upon what needs to be stumbled upon....
It is ok that I do not document everything
or get the best deal (while it is fun when you do)
It is OK
I feel better