Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Wonderful Wednesday

So today I noticed there are so many moms
walking around
looking cute in their fitness clothes
why don't I look cute
I always look sweaty
and mine don't match
I notice moms walking around with coffee cups
If I did that
it would be all over me
I notice moms with really high shoes
and tight cute jeans
I start that way in the morning
But can't get over how silly I feel
That I am dressed cute for
painting and playdough
Balancing lookin cute
and being sane
Balancing wanting that coffee
but acutally getting it into my mouth
balancing wearing workout clothes
but not living in them
and If I do
make sure they look cute and matchy
but not too matchy
because that is so not cute
How come every night when I go to bed
I just want to hug my three kids just one more time
one more little squeeze
I remember all the times during the day that I said
not now
not becuase I needed to read a book
or paint my nails
but because one of the other ones needed something
I wish I could hold hug and cuddle
each of them
each time they called for it
I felt bad
because yesterday was an extra clingy day
I need a solution for the 4-5 hour
Homework for Sam
which is challenging
Bo in tornoado mode
what I mean is this is the hour of the day that he can take a clean room
and yard
and make it look like he had 15 friends over to play with everything he owns
But he also wants to play a game....
which we do,
but it is interupted by lots of mommies
mommy I don't understand number 5
This is also the hour that Piper awakes from her slumber
and is ready to play
bite
chew
eat
and potty
It is also the hour
that Baylen wants to be held and he wants you to give him
snack and more snack and more
So
when I say I wish I could be huggy all the time
When I settle at night
I feel bad that I was not able to be what they needed
all the time
and yes
sometimes I say to them
there is one of me
and four of yall
So
last night when we got into bed
and my sweet husband rolled over and wanted to hug
I had to tell him that I needed time
to not be hugged
this sounds so awful
But I had had a day
where I was touched all day
I was enjoying a moment of not being touched
It is ironic that Piper is in a phase right now
that she bites at your pants leg
and pulls
I drag her through the room attached to my pants
It is how I feel
I am not complaining here
Just noticing that sometimes it is hard to be everything
to everybody
on their time
I am trying during lent to fast from crazy
and do what needs to be done
then move on
enjoy what I am doing
and move on
and try to put me into what I am doing
just a wee bit more
so I can be better to serve all around me
It is a wonderful wednesday
happy kids
story time at the library
and a pretty clean house

Monday, February 27, 2012

Monday Memories


Here is our week in pictures....

Samantha placed first in her age group at the Barrow Boogie!
She was third girl over all!
She also was a finalist in the shirt art contest...
so proud of my pepper!
Another sunny 70 degree day in February

Spending lots of time on the trampoline
making up games like
blue bird blue bird fly fly fly

Baylen kept up too!

Crusing in the green machine

looking good Bo...


Baylen actually took this...

Bo playing star wars...right before he hit me up side the head with
a stick
he did not mean to
but he said he should be grounded forever
When I get the vacuum out, Baylen runs and gets his...everytime!
I had a childhood memory
warm day
breeze coming in the window
cheese
pickles
hot dog with out a bun
chips
homemade lemonade
ahhh yeah
that was the best!!!
Baylen thinks so too
This is what happens when I think all is calm and I try to take a 20
second shower
Baylen decided to feed Piper
or I should say
re-feed her

Baylen looked so darn cute proped up with his ice cream
he is so proud that he gets dessert with the big kids now
It was a busy week
a fun week
but busy
ready for a slower pace
glad spring is coming
I just want to enjoy
and do not much of anything
but be with my family
and friends
and soak up every minute....

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Go there But Not There

Church Sermon Feb 26, 2012

Today's sermon was amazing as usual
Based on Romans 7:15-19
Paul's letter to the Romans about choosing wrong
There are certain places we should not go
you know when you say the things
that you know you should not say
but you say them anyway
You know right from wrong
but you choose wrong anyway
It starts back with Adam and Eve
God told them clearly what to and not to do
they knew they were wrong
but did it anyway
Jesus was tempted for 40 days
If it feels good...do it
Live only for the present moment...
Look out for number one!
Isn't that what gets us into trouble!
We need to forget what lies behind us
look at what lies ahead of us
Instead of being trapped
Leave behind behind
and embrace what is ahead
choose life
Spoke of a plum tree that still had plums but had fallen
When asked what happened the farmer said insects got it
what to do
Gather the fruit
and burn the bush
Like life
Forgive
and move on
Gather the fruit
the good you got out of it
and forget the mistake
learn from it
and move on
Keep on moving
We are not who we want to be
not perfect
never will be
but don't get stuck
Live the life
choose the life


Friday, February 24, 2012

Thankful Thursday

So here I go
already behind
It is really Friday
but I did not post last night
becuase I was counting out 456 t-shirts for a race that I am directing
I know excuses
My OCD was rearing its ugly head
I want all 456 people to be perfectly happy
Even though I know
this will never happen
but I am still striving for perfection
I still spend hours counting
rechecking
and counting again
This nice rainy day
I am consumed with perfection
But I did stop myself
just now
and made myself eat lunch
and I will stop
to take a shower
and look nice
for me
Even though I usually like to cut it to the wire
and run myself ragged
I am trying
Even though I am behind and a lot of my goals
I will stick to them
These 40 days of lent are about when you fail
you try again
I am thankful
that I have this time
to really think about
how I treat myself
so I can be better to others
I need to make sure
that I know that God has it under control
and in the long run
does it really matter if someone gets the wrong shirt size
no
it really does not
but it does matter if I get frustrated with my kids
or others
because I am stressed.
So thankful for realizing this

Thank ful for the rain
and friends
and coffee....

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Wonderful Wednesday

Today was a great day
My life is truly wonderful
The thing is
today was quite UN eventful
and that is what made it wonderful
I find it neat
that here on ash Wednesday
I am feeling peace
I feel like sermons at church have really spoken to me lately
big time
I will blog in detail about them in my devotional posts
but really
as our ministers are talking about letting go
and letting god
and knowing that we are sinners
and that we are not perfect
and that lent is a time of sadness
but also a time
to realize that no
we don't have it together
none of us do
and because of that
it reminds us
that we need god
I feel like i got it all done today
because I did not set myself up
to get it all done
we just did
It was wonderful when...
we went to story time
when baylen would take a running start and leap into my arms
when Samantha layed on me in church
when bo said it was the best day of his life (when nothing really happened)
when my mom took baylen just for a bit
and I thought it was okay
and I was a little ahead of schedule
with all that needed to get done
a clean house
nice weather
feeling simple
really simple
I have so many plans for lent
so many
but in a simple way

I plan to do everything in moderation
food
thinking
everything
I will not over indulgent in anything
and that includes trying to be just right
all the time
I will take help
I will not eat too much of anything
I will let others do
and not try to over do
I will pray
pray a lot
and try and form a habit
of showing God how much I need him
and will give him each day
I will do what has to be done
and if it does not get done
that is okay too
I will live simply
And I know
I will fail
I will forget
I will neglect
I will start over
because that is what it is all about
knowing that we are not perfect
and that we will mess up
the key is
that you try again
over and over again
and one day
that will stick
and we got it
and we can move on
trying to make something else work
until we lose the first habit
and start yet again
So this lent
I will like a life where I know I need God
I can't do it on my own
I am not better then anyone
and no one is better then me
I will ask for help
I will help
I will live and love
simply
Knowing
I will fail
many
many times
but I will
keep
trying

Monday, February 20, 2012

Monday Memories

I thought on Monday's I would post our weeks photos
each day got a bit overwhelming...
Here is Sam and Bo decorating cookies for Valentines Day


Bo was very excited about taking his Valentines to school
Piper found Baylen slipper for a nap
Baylen always hangs on to every word that comes out of Bo's mouth
Piper helping with Laundry
Baylen checking out his new friend in the mirror
Baylen helping with laundry
Piper loves to sleep on boys bed
Sam singing in church on Sunday
My brave Boy
after getting staples in his noggin
he was so sweet
he gave just as many hugs as he recieved
he said I love you more then he was told
He was the perfect patient
He was very scared,
but in the end
very brave
I will never forget that sweet face when I got him from school
He said I got there just in time
Thank you mommy
thank you
He is so sweet
love that boy to pieces
He enjoyed his special trip to DQ
for a hotdog and slushy
and Lots of thin mint cookies
pjs
and a movie
it was a good afternoon...


Saturday, February 18, 2012

Layer By Layer

I feel like I am like one of those yummy biscuits
that my mom use to make
that you peel off layer
by layer
and the layers keep coming off
and right when you think you got the last one
there is still more
You think the first layer is good
and then you find that the next is a little different
it gets better
and better
each layer
Well
that is how I feel
I spent most of my day
watching home videos with my kids
It was hard to watch
I miss it
I miss the kids little
time goes way to fast
way to fast
I want all of that back
but
something that I did notice
is that I feel like I am a far better mom
then I was
in the videos
when I was barely a mom
I feel like many layers have been pulled away
unveiling me
the true me
that God wants me to be
I feel like He is working so hard
to get down to the true me
I feel like I have been peeled away a bit
and each layer
the real me
is discovered even more
Each experience
each situation
has taken away
yet revealed
so much
I feel like each new event
I am able
to feel more comfortable
in my own skin
and just not try to make everyone think one thing
but actually be
what I need to be
at that moment
It is amazing
how a new outlook
a real outlook
has made a world of difference
Sam and I had a great date today...
at the gym meet
she said she wished she was still little
I told her I know what she means
I know her heart
I feel the same thing
I told her that if you look at what you do have
it far outweighs
what we don't have
and even though it is easy to mourn the past
we must enjoy our moment now
and look forward to the fun ahead
Sam sat in the rain
in the dark
with an umbrella
in Riley and Walkers garden tonight
and cried
really cried
It was her first real cry
since they have gone
She said she missed her first best friends
it broke my heart
we had a hard time tonight
missing what we did not have anymore
but
now we are sitting in the den
with the windows open
listening to the rain
eating popcorn and chocolate kisses
watching a movie
and for the first time
Piper is laying in between us
on her back
on the sofa
Walker style
and it feels good
She asked me if I could always hold her like a baby
I told her it would make my day
and just as she was wishing it was only her
her brothers made her laugh
and then Aunt Ann called
and said she found Samantha some
pink
loud
sparkly boots
at the consignment shop that Grammy always went to
she got them
for her
and said that she was going to continue
to get Samantha clothes
just like Grammy would...
and that sweet smile came through
and we were good
for the moment
enjoying tonight
and not thinking to much about tomorrow
one day at a time
what a gift

Friday, February 17, 2012

Tired

So. I had decided to jump back into it tonight....
but I have spent most my night...
learing how to clean up my blog
So
Now that it is nice and neat,,,,
I am going to bed...
Very excited about my new ideas!!!!

Great day...warm again
Piper sleeping on my lap
I like this new way of life
not trying to impress a soul....
Need to catch up...way up

Monday, February 13, 2012

Happy Valentines Day...to me

I know it is weird
I have not posted in two days
the truth is
the real truth
I crashed
I officially
after 12 months of
hard
I finally tipped..
not proud
a little upset with myself
but know that is the problem
that I am upset with myself
I have decided
that for Valentines day
I am loving myself
I think for the very first time
I have been loving others
so much
so much
I still will
but my body and mind
are falling apart slowly
trying to keep this pace
this pace of perfection
in all areas of my life
so
for valentines
I will start loving myself
only because I know if I don't
I may not be much good
to everyone that I love
some things are going to change around here
I am going to have to let some things go
most of all
the perfectionist attitude that I have
and the insecurities
I just have to
I am not quite sure what my plan is
maybe that is good
I just do know
that I have to start putting me on my to do list
somehow
I don't want time to myself
I just want to stop thinking so much
here goes nothing...
I will keep you posted

Saturday, February 11, 2012

To gain life we must loose it and when we lose it we gain it...

Warm and cozy after a bath


Piper trying to help samantha on her speech
samanthas soccer tryouts number
one of our many days at barrow this week....I love that school....
bo LOVES the wii after bath in mickey mouse pjs before bed....

baylen loves to help with the laundry
baylen but on sams shin guards and soccer cleats all by himself....
samantha after her speech

I know I changed the wording on this scripture
but I have always liked it
and it applies so much in my life right now
We want to control so much
but really
we gain so much
when we let go
we think when we let go
we are losing
but really
we are gaining
life
with trust
there is such a difference in trust and belief
I have belief in a lot of things
I have belief in God
I have belief in the things right in front of me
But trust
that is a whole different story
to trust is so hard
we believe so much
that is easy
especially for me
since I am so gullible
but I struggle with trust
when we don't trust
we tend to worry
and question
and that gets us into trouble
when we don't trust
we really don't give our lives up
and lose it
we hold on
and therefor
we really do not gain
we lose
because we
try to control
way to much
So I officially
decided today
that I would lose my life
which is ironic
since at the same time I feel like I am losing control
I thought it would be better
to do that
then the latter
So no
I am not losing control
I am losing my life
and this is awesome
because it is not mine
to have
I am living it
but not controlling it
I will roll with the punches
knowing that it could be worse
and really it is good
and when I feel I am at my tipping point
I remind myself
that I really would not have it any other way
I will admit
sometimes
a lot of times
it is way more hectic
then I would like
But
I am going to stop telling myself
like I do every week
that next week won't be like this
I have finding that it is
and instead of tricking myself
in to believing that next week it will slow down
I will except that it wont
and that is okay
because it forces me
to stay in the moment
no time to dwell
or doubt
of over think
So just because when Baylen finally goes back to sleep at four am
is when Piper gets up for an hour
and then she settles
when Bay is up again
that is okay
it is okay that it does not fit perfectly
into this perfect
schedule
my schedule
I can have a blue print
of what I would like to happen
that is good
to have a plan
but when the plan does not work
it is okay to throw it out the window
and not freak
I feel
it I just allow 30 minutes when I feel like I only need 10
and by three boxes of clorox wipes
when I think I only need one
and know
that the only thing that really is certain in my day is
that God loves me and is with me
and that it most defiantly
will not
go as I had planned it
It has been a fun week
Soccer tryouts
Choral festivals
puppy adoptions
Race directions
Speech contest
Fitness Classes
tons of cleaning
long distances calls to husband
lots of cleaning
cooking
take out (which I will not feel guilty about)
lots of coffee
no me time
a few showers (I think)
vet appointments
lunch with kids
meeting with kids classes
Art contests
volunteer work
bible studies
bible school meetings
Gym dog meets with three kids
and only on powerade
(big mistake)
laundry
lots of it
cleaning out car
cleaning up paint
and shoes
and so much more then I will mention here
Yes, this is life
this is what it is all about
so no
I will not be ok when this pace slows
it is my job to keep up with it
and I have a feeling
when I do just let go
and let god
I will be surprised
how my anxious attitude
my dwindle
and I will be able
to take a load off
few a few seconds at least I hope...

Thursday, February 9, 2012

hard to keep the pace

Kinda ironic

That my post did not post last night

It was titled

hard to keep the pace

and I guess since my pace was so fast

I forgot to post

the blog

wow

that has never happened before

so here is what I wrote last night

which seemed crazy then,

compared to the day I have had today

but that is for later....


So

this pace that I am keeping hear

reminds me of running cross country in college

it is one of those races

that you are in about mile 2

where you feel you are going so fast

your legs are turning over so quickly

your breathing is deep

you are focused

and you feel like you just could not go much faster

maybe a little

but you know you can't sprint

because you have too much left in the race

you are right there in that zone

between super fast

that it is no way comfortable

yet not breathless

where you pass out

yeah

that is how I feel right now

I feel like I am in that race

but for some reason

it is not a 5k

if feels more like a 50k

but that is good

because I always wanted the long distanance races

I will keep the pace

Just like God has instucted me

there is muddy roads

turns

and people to pass

but I will keep trucking it

I like running

just like I like this life I am living

but I am ready to cross the finish line

and get back to just a nice easy jog

I have to laugh at myself

it seems right when I think the finish line is near

the pace picks up again

and if I don't want to runners to get away

I have to keep the pace

So

like today

when being a race director threw a huge pile of entries my way

and when Kevin left yet again

for his grandmothers funeral

and when Baylen wanted to play

Piper needed out

Souper Supper at our church had to be served

normal house hold chores had to be done

shoes needed to bought

and groceries

emails

phone calls

texts

fitness classes had to be taught

Bo needed markers

Sam needed help on her drawing

and her speech

and her spelling test

vocab test

and homework

the pace quickly picked up

and the fact

that I was trying to be so many things all I once

I often worry

if I am enough

I enjoy

but I want everyone to know

that 100 percent

is to them

at that moment

and I still wonder

how is that done

Someone or something

always feels slighted

I wish everyone could be in everyones shoes

and see that we all

are in our own race

all the time

Some of us are warming up

some in mile two

and some sprinting

like our life depends on it

I just wish we would understand

that we are all in the togehter

and even though one race may be easy for you

if may not be for the one next to you

and vis versa

I just hope

that everyone around me

my kids included

know that I promise

I am giving it my all

trying to balance

and don't think

I am a total nut case

I have a new appreciation

for all those people I use to judge

wondering what is there problem

or think

how could they...

now I know

that I really don't know

what they have been delt right then

so I now

just give a smile

and a positive comment

and ask if they need help

My goal

is to keep this pace

as long as I can

I know I will get a break soon

unless I am in a marathon

we will see...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Drowning over here..but not really

So I say I am drowning
I really am not
I do have it under control
It just amazes me how I have all of these plans
and about 2 percent of them get done
I don't know how long it will take me
to just realize
that I just need to be fine
with getting by
with the bare minimum
if the kids are taken care of
and I have given them all the time in the world
then all else is just extra
Wednesdays are always crazy
each Wednesday I tell myself
that the next one will not be
but it is
I just don't understand
why everyone else
seems so relaxed
I guess I do to
on the outside
I can always tell
when I get a little overwhelmed
I start to have new health problems
pop up
and my anxiety hits the roof
I have what if thinking
and worries
and then I get to have bible studies
like I did tonight
where we talk about submission
and handing everything
yes everything
over to God
that is so hard
so hard
I like to say I do this
but I do not
It is like I give Him one section of the house
But he want to come into all of it
I let him have parts of my life
but other parts
I still think I am in control of
Finding it hard
to balance
worry
with real concern
My anxiety
with real world anxiety
Is it normal to worry that you will not grow old
Is it normal to think every pain is something awful
Is it normal to second guess just about everything you do
wondering
wishing
wanting
to have done it a little different
better
or not as much
How do you know when your hobby
turns into a bit of an obsession
and your normal concerns
manifest themselves
into a full blown panic attack
I have to remind myself sometimes
that I am the mommy
I am the one that is suppose to have all the control around here
but sometimes
I still feel like the small one
that is looking to her mommy
to be reassured
that all is okay
I am okay
Just getting a good lesson
on how to practice submission
and know that God wants to come into my whole house
not just the kitchen
or the playroom
but the whole house
I need to hand him my worries
anxieties
obsessions
and let Him guide me
and reassure me
that I am doing
the best that I can
today
I am so proud of Sam
and I hope I tell her often enough.
She blows me away
she is so sweet
creative
and perfect
so perfect
I find myself going back into her room
over and over again
to tell her how much I love her
and am proud of her
Love Love that little girl
so much
She puts her whole heart and soul in to everything that she does
and often wants to know
what she can do to help me
she helps me everyday
by being her
she is more then I could ever imagine having
Bo I had fun watching you today laugh
a lot
you are so happy
you make me happy
when you show me
everyday
how much you love life
and often was hugs
and cuddles
and look up
and say
You love me
and I will say
yes
and you will smile
love it
love it so much
I love how you love
the simple things in life
and Baylen
I love it when you sit on my lap at storytime
I love it when you pick up what your playing
and move it to a new room when I move
you just crave to be near
and i crave you
your sweet little self
you are growing way to fast for mommies liking
you are such a little man
And piper
I have to say
I kinda almost fell in love with you today
not quite
but you are tugg'n a bit
say glimpses of Walker in you today
and it made my heart smile
I like you a lot
I will say that
Thank you God
for showing me sunlight
everyday
no matter the circumstances
I Feel I am growing each day
to not get bogged down
on what did not get done
but focus more on
what did