MISS YOU ALREADY GRAMMY!

I AM THANKFUL THAT...

I got to talk to grammy today

one on one

just she and I

I don't remember exactly what I said

but I do know that it came very easy

I know I thanked her for Kevin

and for letting me marry him

that I would take care of him

and make sure he is okay

I told her that I was sorry she was in that hospital bed

I knew she did not like that

I told her that I would not let the kids

ever forget her

I repeated some fond memories I had

of her and Samantha

when she would take them shoe shopping

She loved that

I wish I could remember

everything that I said

but I can't

I thanked her for our long talks

I thanked her for always showing interest in me

I thanked her for always making me feel special

I told her that I still would call her

just in a different way

when the kids were sick

or something happened

I am so glad

that Baylen gave her a "cookie kiss"

when we left today

I am glad I held her hand

rubbed her shoulders

and was there

I was able to tell her

it was okay to go

I am glad that I got a really good cry out

on the couch

on Kevin

I felt safe

It was a good cry

I told Kevin I was worried about him

his dad

and samantha

Yet, I knew

that his mom would not want me to

she was always worried

about how I grieve

I am glad we got the room

set back up

just like she would want it

I ALREADY MISS......

Her wanting decorating tips

Her compliments on what kind of mother I am

Her cooking

How she always had food "before butter" set aside for me

How she loved our kids

I mean loved

I mean REALLY loved

Summer cookouts

Sunday night dinners

Birthdays

she really did up birthdays

How she knew what she wanted and got it done

The clothes she always had for the kids hanging in the laundry room

that she bought for them

Our long talks

really longs talks

really really long talks

She would call everyday

and we would talk

Anna told me tonight

that she loved how we talked everyday

that meant so much

She wanted to know everything

about the kids

the dogs

my sisters

everything

She guided me

complimented me

agreed with me

shared with me

taught me

wow

I miss that

already

so bad

I miss Christmas

she loved Christmas

we decorated for her this year

she told us where to put everything

I miss taking her to chemo

radiation

dr appointments

sitting with her

watching Reggis and Kelly

talking about American idol

I miss seeing Baylen in her lap

eating ice cream

I miss grammy's take homes

when the kids would leave

I miss her girls nights with the girls

I miss her taking the girls to look for shells at the beach

her love for family

there is so much to miss

I know it can all be warm memories

but right now

I am in that first stage of grief

yet again

the one where I am slightly angry

that there is no more

having some what if thinking

and a little guilt

I know I told her I loved her

but did I do it enough

I know she knew I cared

but did I show it enough

Was I too busy

did I let her know that she was important

I hope so

I really do

It is amazing

how we really do not dwell on these things

until after they are gone

She has been gone for three months really

in and out

we have had her here

but not here

I have not had a chance

until tonight

to miss what it was like

before September 27th

it was normal

but do we ever really have normal

life is so precious

PERFECT....

It really was a perfect day

I was with her for three hours

Baylen ate lunch by her

we talked

we laughed

we looked at pictures

I left

She had time alone with the nurses

Kevin Brian Anna and Joel were all out

when they came back

and were all together

she shed a tear

she had not done this

she had not moved

opened her eyes

since Tuesday

She then passed

peacefully

with her beloved sister

and three "boys" around her

It was perfect

Perfect

she had indeed heard what we had been saying

all along

she had tears

she was sad to leave

but happy to know

that it was okay

and that we all loved her

and were going to be okay

Her and Pop Pops minister came

and prayed an amazing prayer

Amazing

He said that we know she is in heaven

but we still hurt because we want her here with us

He said that death is all around us

but we go about our day and are not intune to it

But it had visited our family

That we would indeed see her again

do not know when

but we will

It was very comforting to hear

It was a bittersweet day

A sad day because Grammy is not her

I miss her

I am sad for Pop Pop, he hurts so much

I am sad for my husband

who is so amazing

and she loved him for it

truly truly

a gift

I don't deserve him

I really do not

I am sad for my kids

that they at 1 5 and 8

will not have there Grammy

to spoil them anymore

So yes

this makes me sad

but it was a good day too

because everything that had to happen

happened perfectly

and our family

which was already close

got super close

super super close

which would make Grammy

smile so big

which I know she is doing

right now

looking down on us

Love you Grammy

thank you for all you have done

and given me

You have blessed us so much

and will contiune to

as we reflect

and remember

Hug your family extra close tonight

they are all that matters

My parents and sisters and grandmother

came when I called today

right away

they are amazing

I feel surround by family and friends

that I love so much

so much more

then they will ever know