Riley and Walker Memories

JUNE 23, 2011

So tomorrow will be two months since I lost Riley and I had been doing okay, but I just had a huge outburst. I just got back from her garden feeling a little better. I need her. I don't know how to explain it, I just want to feel her next to me. I miss her bad. I know many do not understand. I feel I have four chambers in my heart, all full of joy with my children and family, but one of the chambers is not working. I am still so happy, grateful and enjoying every moment, but I feel the loss each and every minute. It is like a piece of my heart is gone and I can feel it with each pump. I just read a poem from a four year old about why do dogs not live as long as people. It is because it takes a long time for people to learn how to be nice and kind and how to be a great loyal person, but dogs already know that and do it all the time. I want to be more like my pets. That is the key to being the best person you can be. I just wish Riley did not have to leave me for me to learn that. I love you Riley, I hope you know that....

JUNE 18, 2011

so for some reason when it storms I miss Riley a lot. I think this is because she did not like storms and she use to come close to me, like really close, and would follow me around and basically be in my lap (all 90 pounds) until it was over. It is weird when a storm comes and I am so use to being concerned about how she feels, it is so weird to not have her here during that. I also think about who is comforting her now when there is a storm, it is unsettling to me. I brought this up to Samantha and Bo last night and they said, Mommy there are no storms in heaven because Riley did not like them, and heaven is full of what you like. Bo said, yea and if there is a storm, God has her in his lap and he is petting her. Wow, my kids comfort me just as much as I comfort them. I guess for now on I will really feel Riley close to me when it thunders, but know that she is safe. I love you Riley, I just love you so much.

 

 

NOVEMBER 1, 2011

I am still not there

Still trying to write about that last day, but still too raw

I am assured my feelings will still be there and I will be able to put them out there

Just got back from a wonderful seven days at the beach to reconnect and enjoy

It made the grieving so much easier

I left out of here on Wednesday of last week, just 48 hours after Walker was gone, it was all a blur

I had so much fun with my three precious children, my amazing mom, fun and caring father,

perfect husband, funny sister (I needed that) charming brother in law and cute as a button nephew.

It really helped me to get my mind off of missing Walker, I thought of him every minute, yet every minute was also filled with joy....

We went to the beach, Sam wrote notes to Riley and Walker, Baylen ran and ran and ran, we collected rocks for Walkers garden, I took walks with mom and dad, had nice runs alone to think, went to the UGA game and we won it it was amazing to be there with my dad, sister and husband to create amazing memories...we ate great food,,,moms fried shrimp, crab soup and homemade pancakes. We just hung out, together...it was perfect. We went trick or treating and Bo had the time of his life...I brought me so much joy to watch him love it so much...it was a great night...took the kids to the pier to shop, get yogurt and to the park and playground a few times. Took Sam on a mommy daughter shopping spree and it was so much fun, so much fun, I can't put it into words. I watched Bo ruin many things, but at the same time I watched him enjoy many things too, which made up for it all. I watched Baylen be the most precious thing I have ever seen. I watched my mom and dad love my family and I got to love them. We worked puzzles, drew pictures and read books. I was able to connect with Riley and Walker through a special friend, which brought peace. We went to the library, rode in the golf cart and looked in the new house across the street. We were able to play with puppies, pet dogs and remember Walker. We were able to have good cries, good memories and bike rides. I had so much fun watching Samantha master the big bike, she was so proud and looked so cute. I enjoyed cuddling with my two first borns each night in two twin beds, hugging on tight with the fan going. I enjoyed reading magazines, which I was amazed to see how many pictures of dogs were in there, and the name Riley and Walker...hearing my dad laugh at the tv, and being in the presence of my family in the evening. I enjoyed sitting in Walkers chair. We also had such a fun ride home with Aunt Ginny and Hudson, me and the kids, we made memories, lots of them, and the kids were perfect. I have to admit it was super hard coming home for the first time with out Walker. Kevin is gone for a while with his mom to Houston, so it is me, the kids, and an empty house. It was weird when Carley came by, there was not dog to bark...first time in 11 years. I did not like that. I am not liking that one bit. Something that seemed like a bother at one time, would sound oh so sweet right now. I don't like how quiet it is right now, it does feel empty. I will be busy. I have to say it was nice to see a close friend walk by right when I was feeling sad with her dog. She let me know she was thinking of me, lost her dog in January, and it was amazing the similarity to our story. It is amazing the peace God is constantly bringing around me. I have to say the kids and I had an amazing afternoon. We went to the Halloween store, they were SUPER excited about their 50 percent off finds and it brought joy to my heart. The ride home from the store sam sat in front and see seemed so happy. She is happy, it was fun to be with her. She is the sweetest thing. She had Bo had a blast sorting their Halloween candy, it was SO cute to listen too...they were so sweet to eachother. Sam proceeded to go get boxes and put money and candy it each of them and gave on to me and Bo. She was so proud. How sweet. Bo and I played with some legos, while Samantha played with her toys, and then we unpacked the car. They kids helped me like an assembly line, not one complaint. Baylen watched perfectly the whole time. Sam even got into bed with Bo, no complaints, not fussing, she even wanted to do some extra homework since she had missed some school. Again, a perfect afternoon. It was if Riley and Walker were up there keeping it calm, sweet and together. It is weird the peace I have right now as I am writing this. It is a feeling I have never felt before. I feel filled. I feel content. I feel satisfied. I feel like as long as I am in the moment, being the best I can be in that moment, and thankful for the moment it is awesome. As long as I am not too rushed to let me kids know how much they are loved, and too feel Riley and Walkers presence, then I am doing all that is needed. As long as I spend all my energy letting others know how much I appreciate them rather then what is not appreciated, I am doing good. When you come down to it, it really is simple. Off to bed now, I have two sleeping beauties awaiting in my bed, need to kiss one sweet cheek before I head there, and know Riley and Walker are watching over us, at peace and content....thank you God for all your blessings.....

Sunday October 30th

So I talked to an animal communicator today. Yes I did and yes I am admitting it. I had contacted her right after Riley had passed away and it really comforted me to know that she was still with me. When she had told me back then that something sad would happen in six months, and then Walker died six months later, I just knew that I had to contact her. So, as I am sitting in Walkers chair at the beach house, I will write about what she told me. It did give me some peace.

She told me that Walker "crossed" quickly, that he was ready to see Riley. She licked him like crazy and like old times proceeded to eat her food and steal some of his. She said Walker was walking great. Again, I told this lady nothing about Walker other then he was a yellow lab that had passed away Monday October 24th. I did not even tell her how he died, or that he was put down. It was so great to be reconnected to Riley again also. She told me that Riley likes to spend a lot of time with me now in the car. That she is always right by the door when we are headed out somewhere. She likes to sit in the front seat because I am trying to do a million things so she has to keep her eyes on the road. She is also the morning dog. She is there in the bathroom in the mornings when I am getting ready. She is the one that is laying there as everyone is scurrying around. She is trying to get us places on time. She "backs" up just like she use to to get out of the way, I can't believe she knew this. Riley use to always have to back herself out of small spaces when she could not turn around. She feels like since I am always running late that she has to get me there on time, she is the supervisor. Walker is the night dog, when all is quiet. He is the one that is a trickser. He would often paw at things under the bed, and I was told he still does. He is always bringing something to us, or taking it away, this is like he was with shoes I thought. Walker would always take our shoes and we would have to hunt for them. She said he still like to do that, very playful now and that he hid under the bed often and slept under there now. He is there a lot at night, and Riley butted in and said, hey I am too! She told me that when I hear them, that I really do. Especially the tail. She also told me that Riley had a weak heart. She always had. That Walker would stay up and help her at night if he seemed worried. He took care of her, she was weak. I thought this makes so much since, she never would run, she did always seemed weak. He was like this, he always wanted to be the one that helped. Riley was sad that she did not stay around the six months to help him. That is what she was trying to tell me six months ago when I called. She knew walker had cancer, and she wanted to give back what he had done for her for all of those years. Walker helped her heart. They are playing now, and she is still the princess. Walker said it was the perfect time for him to go. He was really starting to be bothered by not going to the bathroom and the bones in his back legs hurt. It was interesting how six months she predicted Riley diesd of cancer and her back leg, but it was really Walker. Walker said he noticed something was really wrong when he stopped eating Friday morning. He was not in pain, but hurting. Riley and Walker said that they are sending a puppy to Bo, that Bo will need this growing up. That for me now to choose the time, but I will know when it is right, he is to pick it out and name it. They puppy is from them. They are the big brother and sister of it. Walker was ready, the cancer was deep in his bones. It was toxic to him. I asked him if he thought I took care of him enough, and he laughed and said, yes but you were actually over the top a little, but I enjoyed every minute of it! It was a guilty pleasure. He is still here, I must know that. In the quiet times and under things. He kept saying, it was the perfect time. I struggled with the fact that he was still smiling at the end, so I did not know if it was too soon to let him go, he said he would always smile because that was what I wanted. That was how he was suppose to be to me! That is why he smiled, he really was not happy chest up, but he pretended for us. Riley had an upset tummy at the end, her heart gave out. She was tired too. They are together now. They are best friends. They told me they would be around for Christmas, so not to be sad, and to put the stockings up. They wanted to be together. No medicine could have made him better....

They said it was perfect, so I need to believe that!

When I think of Riley dying I am sad because she died alone. But she was tired, and she did not know what was happening. She died of a weak heart. Walker kept her here all of those years. She was so sick

When I think of Walker dying in my arms it is still something I can not get out of my head, but it was perfect for him. He said he could not have done this on his own, he needed us to help him. I am selfish for wanting him to stay longer, he was ready, he was hurting. He got to go in the comfort of my arms, that is selfless....I am selfish when I let it hurt so bad, I would rather hurt them him. I am the one needing to heal, not him. They are together now, watching over us. We will always be a family.

OCTOBER 28th 2011

Having lots of trouble going to sleep tonight. Having lots of thoughts about Walker. I am trying so hard to go about the day and when he comes to mind I just block it. This is so different then what I did when Riley died. When Riley left me I just let the emotions pour in and I would feed then, think of everything that I was sad about and it made it worse. Now, I think of him, and then pretend that it really did not happen. I tell you, my family and friends are amazing. It was the best thing to come down to the beach. Walker died in my arms on Monday at 1:30. I was in a daze on Tuesday...I really don't remember a minute of it. Wedensday I cleaned like crazy and came to the beach. My kids and family are such joy. I have to say I realize how much I was really putting into Walker being sick. From being on the phone with the vet, mixing up food and giving meds, let out and it, watching him to see what he was going to do. I have to be honest. I keep telling myself that he is just at home with Carley. You see, he has not always been here. I have had many beach trips without him. So, it is not totally weird. I am surrounded by laughter and pure amazing fun with Baylen Bo and Sam. Baylen just trotted around today like he really felt at home. My baby really grew up. He is a little boy. We went on an hour walk and he wanted to be held a lot, which was great because I love to hold him and feel the hug. Bo and I wrote the coolest batman book ever and he looked so cute and cozy after his bathe with his hair slicked back. Sam and I went to the pier, just us girls and shopped! She picked me out a dress, and she was so cute. She has so much fun, and I have not smiled like that in a long time, not that I have not been happy, but that she brought me such joy. We got yogurt and walked and talked. We were like friends. For the first time I could really see us and buds, don't get me wrong I will disipline, but I want her to know she can tell me anything....I love her so much. I am so blessed for her. I don't think a smile left her face the whole two hours. Then we came home and went down to the biggest cocktail party and people watched! We then started a very fun puzzle. Mom cooked fried shrimp which was amazing, and I got to hang with my amazing family. This is all making grieving Walker so much easier. It is hard, but I am not crying all day. I know I am stronger now. I am still just in guilt and anger...I think I am slipping out of anger. Not really feel anger about anyting anymore. Still a lot of guilt....could go on and on. Feeling a little depressed...thinking about him in my arms as he went is killing me. I know I will think of that picture one day and it will bring peace, right now it makes me SOOOOO sad. I see him in my dreams all the time. I see his face right in front of me. It is something when you feed someone for 11 years each day and let them in and out of the house, it rocks your world when you no longer do it...Between Riley and Walker (since Riley was 11 when she died) that means I opened the door to let them out...well about 4,000 times....so when you take that away, it leaves one feeling a bit out of sorts...unlike your kids that come and go in their phases,,,,your doggies don't ask much, so our routines were pretty the same... I miss you Walker , I hope I dream of you tonight. I promise one day soon I will blog about our last few days, for right now, mommy can't talk about it

OCTOBER 28, 2011

My best friend closed his eyes last night as his head was in my hand,

The Doctor said he was in pain and it was hard for him to stand.

The thoughts that scurried through my head as I craddled him in my arms,

Were of his younger years and all his many charms.

Today there was no gentle nudge with an intense I love you gaze,

Only a heart thats filled with tears remembering the joy filled days.

But an angel just appeared to me and said you should cry no more

God also loved you fur baby and has installed a doggy door!

OCTOBER 24, 2011

I went back and forth about posting tonight. My emotions really can't handle it. But I did want to capture all the feelings that I am having right now, so that it will help me and others through grieving processes. This is rough. I am right back where I was six months ago, April 29th.

I will not relive those few days, that is Riley's time, and this is Walkers. I do plan to post the letter I wrote to Riley and all the feelings that I had back then, but tonight is Walkers turn. It all started with his diagnosis on July 7th, I will never forget it.

It was the day my sweet nephew was born, it was to be a happy day. I remember finally, after a little over two months feeling good again. Then, when Walker woke up with a swollen leg, I knew I needed to get him right into the doctor. I thought, walker this really is not convenient, I needed to be at the hospital...but Walker came first. They kept him for scans and tests. I could notbelieve that just a few short hours later he was diagnosed with Cancer, one that not much could be done about. I, in the meantime was gearing up for hernia surgery just five days later. I will never forget that during that surgery when I was put to sleep, I thought about how nice that would be for Walker, so peaceful, all my cares were removed.

I did get into a slump. We went straight the next day to UGA Vet school to meet with Manyoncologist. So much was thrown at us, there was surgery, radiation, chemo..a mix of all, or none. They gave him two months with nothing, but not sure how treatments would add life, since it would be hard to take also. Chemo made him sick. I feel like I have spent the past three and half months in the UGA vet school, waiting in the waiting room, in the back room, meeting with threeseparate oncologist, which all loved Walker dearly. We spent a lot of time on the phone, emails and research. I learned new meds, new foods and the list goes on and on. Walker would always present with a new thing, which would make the meds change, and the food change. It was such a guessing game the whole way through. Walker did not look different, he was starting to have a bulge on his bottom and Walk a little stiff, strain a little to go potty, but that really was all. This is when life really changed, I took Walker EVERYWHERE....

We walked to Barrow, and when he had a hard time walking we drove the car to Barrow and I would leave him in the back seat as I walked the kids in. We often would stop at Jittery Jose on the way home and he would keep an eye on Bay as I ran in for coffee to go(I could see the car the whole time) We really did not go anywhere, I had the rest of my life to go to Target and such. We did have to go to the grocery store, but he went too, and it would be a short trip. We really had so much fun just being at home. Walker loved to follow us and just be in each room that we were in. He loved Sams bed, he loved the green recliner in the den and he loved the spot next to our bed. He seemed good.

We also always took Walker to the pool with us. He was not going to miss a thing. The only thing Walker was left for was church on Sunday, and honestly we missed lately so we could stay home with him! Walker was a part of our life, not just in it, but a HUGE part of it. That is why it hurts so much that he is gone.

When we were at the beach I would take him in the golf cart each morining to drink coffee and just talk. I plan to post so many pics of our journey,,,,so so fun,,,,so so sad now

And then, the past few days buddy, you have gotten pretty sick. It all started last Thursday when you were in the car and could not seem to control going potty. You seemed upset about it. I blame myself you were in there too long! You loved car rides though. We came home and you and I watched TV. I was concerned about the leakage. The next morning I went to pick up your food and then, you would not eat it. You had paced all niht and wanted to be outside. You also started to throw up. I called the vet, and there was nothing that really could be done. I felt badbescuase you could not take your meds, and I was not going to stuff it down your throat. The day went on and the accidents kept up, but you were not able to go to the bathroom and all you seemed to want to do is try to! You also really did not want to eat. The kids and I slept on the floor with you. Bo wore his pjs with a walker dog on them. Saturday I took you to sams soccer game, just you and I. We sat and watched, and it was perfect. I loved just being with you outised, you loooked pleased. On the way home we stopped by Yoforia and you enjoyed some vanialyougurt! Yum

The rest of the day we just spent together. Out side a lot. We made a Disney scrapbook with the kids, we went nowhere, except all to Grammy and Pop Pops for dinner,,,they noticed you were not yourself. Yet again I spent the night on the floor with you. Would not trade these many nights on the floor with you....so soo great. We rotated rooms and cleaned towels, but we did it, ad it was great. We did not go to church on sudany, we literally stayed in the front yard the whole day.....the whole day....it was so simple and so perfect.

It was a sad night, I knew it was your last. Daddy and I held you on the floor all night long. You would pace, we would pace, you would sleep and I would dream about you,,,,,all night!

Today was hard....so hard I can not even right about it right now....hopefully tomorrow I will be ready. I want to show the pictures also of your last few moments. Walker, what I did today was THE HARDEST THINK I HAVE EVER EVER EVER DONE...but may tell me that it was the most selfless thing I could have done. One day I will believe that. Until then, I will second guess myself and miss you like crazy.....I want you one more night....or two or forever! Stay tuned tomorrow for what took place in the yard today at 1:10 pm...It was when Walker went to Riley, so so so hard, but I am STARTING to believe that it was the right thing to do......the house is not the same without you here Walker, and Riley too...it is crazy! I miss stepping over your sleeping body in the early morning.....I miss making your food at night,,,the special concoction that you needed, I miss giving you your med three times a day, I miss see you everywhere, following my every move, licking baylen after a bath, barking at the door when guest come around.....I miss so much...more to come!

OCTOBER 25, 2011

There has already been so many "firsts" since walker has been gone. It is ripping my heart out. It is awful. Last night I wanted to feed him his wet food that had to be at just the right consistency for him to digest. Then I wanted to put all the meds on it, and hide it so he did not know what it was. I wanted to let him out exactly 20 seconds after he finished a meal. I wanted to hear him come in a lap up some water. I wanted to have to clear the table fast before walker got to the left overs. I wanted to feel him under the table at dinner looking for scraps andhanging under the kids side especially. I wanted him to lick the dishes in the dishwasher while I was loading it and then go nose in the trash. I wanted to take him on a fall walk after dinner to the pumpkin patch and let him chase Bo down the hill on his hot wheel. I wanted to watch him rest comfortable on the chair in the den as we watched tv. I wanted him to follow us back to bed, or after Kevin says, come on walk he came. I want to have him there at night. I wanted this morning to look around the bed and see that sweet face looking at me, like I have been up but did not want to disturb. He would go to the door and I would let him out. I want to let him in and out all day. I wanted to say, come on walk when we were all hoping into the car to go to shcool. He would be come, he would look happy and he would watch. Sometimes in the front seat tonugehangin out. We would usually go by Jittery Joes, together. Now I am missing that he did not greet me at the door, not that he had many chances to since we were usudally coming intotoghetr. I wanted to see him run off with one of the kids shoes or his toes. Nothing. All toys and shoes are where they were left. I want to watch him want to be in everyroom we go in. Hisfavorites were the green chair, the sunny part of the floor in the den mid morning, Riley'sgarden, Sam's bed and where ever we were, I am finding myself talking to him this moring, I amdefinitely in the Anger and Guilt stage right now. I am angry this cancer made my dog sick! He was a good dog. He was suppose to be here for five more years. I am angry at other people that have dogs and don't love them as much as I love walker, I have an anger about me right not, I don't like it. But I am mad. I am mad at myself I am mad at the cancer I am mad when people don't get it. I am mad that I grieve so hard and can't focus on other things. I am also in guilt right not. I just took my babies life yesterday. We were there together and now we are not. It was awful! I did not even get to say goodbye it happened so fast. It was like he totally trusted me, and look what I did. I did not to him! I guess I am in denail a little to. I know I make no sense, but it is how I am feeling. I hate being in my house with out my dogs. I can hear them, I so can hear them. I want them to know I did not want them to leave, I want to feel their presence so much! I kept saying I just want one more day....one more

I know this is a process, but I hate this process. I am in Anger and Guilt right now big time

I feel I am close to depression. I would not let myself crawl into a ball....I am making myself do, I am going to clean like crazy. it is something that I can do. I feel so out of control. I need to take care of Walker, and I feel that I failed him. I failed him, I failed him....I did not do the right things, made him go with me when he was tired, I did not go to the vet enough. make thr right food concoctions. I failed. I let him die in my arms yesterday. I am mad

I know I will be healed when I can say and believe this: Walker and Riley will always be a part of our life, not just in memories but they will be with us still. i have to beleive that when I look at what walker was going through he was uncomfortable. I could not see that in Riely and I could not see it in him. I want to be at a place where it was the best thing ever, that we left Walker go to Riley, so they are together, and happy and have eachtoehr and are not apart....and that they know we loved tehem and would do anything for them....and that they can see us everyday and we can still be a family, I am upset the most about how our family is cut and I still want them in it. I need peace, right now I feel NO peace.

OCTOBER 25, 2011

I miss....

our time together during Baylens naps. We would get up on Sams bed and you would sleep, and I would read and go through emails, mail and a million things. I would bring the laundry to the floor and sit and fold it while we talked. Even if were not in the same room I could hear you sign, re-adgust, or get some water. I swear I would never say this, but this hurts worse then after Riley died. This was the longest goodbye, with her it was fast and all I had to do is start greiving. I feel like I have dreded this day for the past four months. Do you understand, Walker was everwhere I was for four months!!!!

He slept by me at night, sometimes on the floor, many times these past few weeks. He was the first person I talked to every morning when I got out of bed, I would go over to him, pet his head and say, hey buddy, love you, lets get up. He would and I would let him out. I would watch to make sure he went to the bathroom. Then he would be with us in the den as the kids ate breakfast. They always knew they had to clear their dishes or walker would get it. Walker would follow me to Rileys garden with my coffee. Walker would let me put him in the car to take the kids to school and wait for me to return. He even was show and tell one day for Bo. That day was amazing. I did not go to the park, storytime, grocery store, shopping, play dates, nothting, nothing unless walker could ride along. Baylen and I tried to move ourselves around to where Walker was. YOu see, my dog was not just the token dog that everyone has to say yeah I have a dog. My do was and is my son. Baylnes nap was the best. It was me and Walk. We just hung togehter, he did not care waht I was working on, he just wanted to be right there, that is all that matterd. He was not fond of the vacumn cleaner, so I always ran that when he was out side. In the afternoon the bus would come and walker would lead the way, he would run!!! He would put two paws up and go nuts. The past few weeks this stopped, he always wanted to go, but he was slow to get up and spent his time in the yard next door trying to go to the bathroom. He did try to get them everyday,he wanted to prodticet them always. The afternoons were always fun to! We would stay home of couse, go in the yard, throw ball, be home. IF we went somewhere like to drop of something Walker would come. Walekr came to soccer games and to shcool events.Walker would often get showers with the kids, he did think he was a person...

Walker went to the beach,

the lake,

PoP's house

The poll

Grammy's radiation

Grocerystore,

Sams girlscout meetings

Sams soccer games so tired this last one

Coffee shops

Barberitos

Yoforia,

The list goes on and on, we took the dogs and the dogs took our hearts!

It got to a point Walker could not do many of those things anymore. He still tried though. He still wanted very badly to eat at night, we were always around the dinner table together. He wanted icecream too for desserts, he loved finidng scraps, he loved layin in each room hearing the bedtime stories. Then he would settle down with us, lick Baylen like crazy...and he would rest under our feet, until rome to go to bed. and then it started all again, Walker was a part of our every day to the minute

He loved his tennis ball, he loved it eat silky panies when he was a puppy and baby diapers, He loved yummy food, playing with sticks and stuffed animals and just being the best dog ever!I hear him, I have heard him all day....I find myself looking for him or sayin, Walk Talk I'll be right back, I' m going to the car. I even left the tv on today so he could watch. I cleaned the dishes from the sofa so he would not eat it. I can't and don't want to break the routine. This is so hard...the hardest thing EVER

Yesterday was the longest goodbye ever. when I am ready...I will post pictures of walkers last few days here...right now, I can't look or think about that....just trying to get through this day missing him so awful bad, and feeling guilty that I am sad and not happy that he feels good now and that he is with RIley.

October 21, 2011

One of walkers last nights, sam and bo and I slept with him on the floor

Walker loved to find the sunny spot in the house

the second day when i knew walker was very sick, you can see he could not control much anymore

on saturday just two days before we said good-bye, he still tried to play outside, his tail was very much to the side

On his last day he enjoyed laying by the fence, curled up, resting

He was hurting, I can see that now

Walker daddy and I spent our final night together on the floor, it was the longest night ever

The last morning Walker layed on Rileys pillow and Bayen and I sat with him the whole morning, he even ate goldfish out of baylens hand.

Sam saying goodbye for now

Mommy and daddy saying goodbye for now

These are some of the last pictures of Walker. I thought I was ready to write about it, but I am not. I am still not able to write about Riley either. One day.....

OCTOBER 5, 2011

This is it, the time is near

I have said it before, but Walker said it today

I write this as I lay on the ground on my belly on a blanket in Riley's garden.

Walker has dug a spot right next to Riley's garden, just like she did the week before she died

Okay, so hear come the tears

Breathe

Okay

Walker is on his side

He is breathing heavy

He has that look

That look that has switched from smiling eyes to I am tired

Tired of this

The same look Riley gave me in that same eact spot

I have dreaded this for three months

He just can not seem to get comfortable

He paced all night last night.

He would not settle into his usual spot by our bed.

He was up and down and was not at ease

His tail has gone limp today

He can no longer wag it

He is struggling with walking a bit, and when he tries to go to the bathroom he is falling

He has the same blood shot eyes Riley did

I feel like she is in him

He is doing some of the same things, arching his back and such

I can't believe he has dug a whole just like Riley did, right next to her.

I know he is ready, I just can't let him go

I want one more day, but I keep saying that

He was great last night going to the pumpkin patch

He was great the night before going to the Halloween store

He wanted to go to school

But something happened

I keep saying to myself, no not yet

I can't have a Baylen naptime without Walker here

I can't have a night when Kevin works late without Walker here

I can't not have Walker here for the kids to love on, to play with, to dress up

It is like he is slipping away from me

Slowly

Oh God I know you will not will for me what your Grace will not supply, but I feel weak

I have so much love to give

My heart is breaking

It has been such a long road

There is no other like you, just like there was no other like Riley

The sky is so blue today

The birds are chirping.

In 10 days it will be 10 years since we got you

I think it is time we returned you back

How can you be here one minute and gone the next

So you just sat up and had pine straw hanging from your mouth, Riley did that

you are doing that funny breathing thing too

You had such a good two weeks.

I can't believe how we can go from one extreme to another

We are two days shy of three monts since your diagnosis

We have gone to the beach

Gone on walks

Walked to school

Rode in the car everywhere!

Gone to Grammy and Pop Pops

Gone to the swimming pool

Played in the yard with the kids

Gone to the pumpkin patch

taken naps

you have lounged in your favorite chair in the den

you have hung out on your favorite spot sams bed

You have eagerly greeted many guests

I have helped you into the car

You have greeted us at the door, not that you have to much since you are 99% of the time with us

You have licked Baylen like crazy

You have still chased your balls

You have still dug in the trash, begged for food and slapped up water both in your bowl and elsewhere!

You have caught many crumbs under the dinner table where we have shared many dinners as a family and you have listened to it all underneath

You have hung your head out the window of the car as your ears flap

You have been dressed up and down

Sat on

Ridden

You are the perfect dog

Always giving

Never taking

I can't imagine our family without you

You were here in the begining

You were my baby, you and Riley

You taught me how to be a mommy

You helped me prepare how to love unconditionally

Walker I am not ready, I just cant

It will be so empty without you

Who will lick the plates clean and pick up scraps

Who will spread shoes and stuffed animals all around the house

Who will the kids dress up

Who will I feed and give meds to all day

Who will I let in and out

Who will be warm and soft for me to pet at night before bed while I am on the sofa

Whoe will let me know when someone is here

Who will I walk on walks

Who will get the kids off the bus

Who will chase frisbees and balls on the beach and in the yard

Who will always be here to listen to what I have to say

Our christams cards will not be complete and neither will the stockings that hang on the mantle

I worry most about the void you will leave

There was a huge void when Riley left, and you were the only one that kept it bearable.

I can't say goodbye

When you don't want to go on an outting or can't stand it will be time

Until then, I am treasuing these last days, hours or minutes, only God knows

I love you buddy

OCTOBER 13, 2011

This will be short

I want to get back to walker

today was the first day walker did not want to go and do

a few days ago it seemed to be it, but as walker does

he bounced back

today his legs really went

he is hunched over

he is limping bad

today is the first day he did not go to the bus stop

he collapsed in the yard on our way out

today is the first day he did not go to school

he did not get up from the carpet

i did take him to the dermotologist with me

and to the dollar tree to get halloween decorations

he helped us decorate

why is it that this happens on a thrusday night, just like when riley got sick

it was a rainy thursday night

right after a storm

he acted as if he was not aware of where he was

Riley died early on a Friday morning,

the friday morning of samanthas birthday party

tomorrow is friday

and we are having a party

i know this feeling too well

the only thing is we have to make the choice

kevin says we have to do it now

i say we wait and see if he bounces back one more time

he seems today to be in pain

i don't want that

today i brought his food to him

today i held him up as he went to the bathroom

today i had to carry him not just in the car but out also

today i had to clean up the four accidents he had last night

he came into baylens room as I was rocking him

he could not get up,

so i drug him out on baylens rug

now he is on the floor in the den

Kevin and I have made a bed around him

we will sleep there tonight

just the three of us

just like it was 10 years ago this saturday when we got him

when he was a puppy and sleeping under our bed because he was still so scared

i hope he is not scared right now

he has given us so much

so much

so much

10 years is not enough

i need to give him back, he is not walker right now

he is dazed

i said when he was not him i would let him go

still hanging on by a string

praying for strength, peace and the ability to let God's will be my will

I love you walker, I can see riley right now, just waiting

waiting patiently

she so knew that six months later you would join her

she so knew

we so underestimate dogs

it is truly amazing....

October 17, 2011

Just an update on Walker. We decided since he seems to be on his own schedule, which is very Riley like...we will give him three days of feeling yucky before we do that "thing" we have to do. He is amazing. He is walking, barking, eating, pottinging, following, riding, paying, ball jumping (kinda) you name it, he is doing it....just slowly. He does take a few steps and fall to the ground, but it is graceful! He is napping right now, Baylen is asleep, kids are at school and yes I am doing a million things at one time. Incase you are wondering my camera is getting fixed, totally bummed about that. I feel like I am going through picture withdrawl.

Yesterday I awoke to Sam laying with Walker in the floor, she had her princess blanket wrapped around him, her lovie by his face and a pillow under his head. They were both asleep. So sweet. I will post that pic soon. Baylen said Walker today. Bo had a blast at his Halloween party, will post those pics soon also! I have the best Husband in the world that loves me so much and is so strong, handsome, funny, forgiving, patient, you name it and he is. I have the best parents that are my best friends, I have two sisters that complete me in so many ways. I have the sweetest little girl that is growing up right before my eyes and I can see glimpes or preteen which I am not old enough for. I love Bo cuddles at night, he is so warm in his feety pjs, and I love his voice and how he says and does everything with such passion. Baylen, oh baylen looking at you today in the carseat in your pjs you have to be the cutest thing I have ever seen, your white hair, perfect skin and blue eyes. I love to watch your facial expressions. So so cute and sweet.

I love my friends, I have so many good friends. It is so nice to be loved and to love. I love living in five points and having my kids run in and out of peoples homes and others do the same. I love it. I love my exercise classes, I love to organize with the kids, it is such therapy. I love drinking coffee...I love this blog. Okay, back to work...enough of that, I could go on and on...more to come!

OCTOBER 5, 2011

I feel like the girl who cried wolf. Walker has been so nearing so many times. He is so sick right now. This day is so much like the day Riley left. He did not go to sleep until 4:30, we fell asleep on the floor. He is throwing up and seems not really here. He is not wanting to eat. I want to help him but can't. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I am reliving six months ago. Lord help me, give me strenghth

I know I know

Enough already. I am driving myself crazy I can't imagine how sick and tired others are hearing me sulk over my dogs. It is like I know what everyone must be thinking.

Really, your dog. Come on. It is the same thing I think when others are sulking over something that I think is totally lame, or so not worth being down about. Going forward I will never be that way. I will always think that what ever is upsetting someone is totally legit. Totally. I may think it is dumb and a waste of emotion, but I will totally understand. So, with that said, bear with me. I will now sulk some more. I will now just let it out. I am in the garden, of course I am, Walker is out here too. Atleast out here he can leak in the grass, I am out of towels for him to leak in the house. I know I have invested six months of my life in reliving my dogs sob story but I would like to think of it as six months of truly learning so much about myself and becoming stronger then ever, rather then six months wasted. I do feel a huge amount of guilt right now. It is a beutiful Sat afternoon in October. Kevin is out of town. I should be at the park with my kids, I should be on a picnic or taking them on a bike ride. Yes, that is what I should be doing. But I am not. I have sent Baylen off to my moms, told Sam and Bo to play sweetly, so I can write this, to get my feelings out. I feel so selfish. That is what life seems about lately. I feel like I have been saying, no it SHOULD be like this. I am SUPPOSE to be doing this. Maybe it is yet again a way for God to show me, no Katy, this is how it is. You think you should be here, but no, you are going to be here. No, you will not go to the park on this beautiful day, instead you will clean up your dogs leakage, stalk his every move to see if he goes to the bathroom and try to force feed him anything and everything.

Walker keeps gazing up into the sky, so if Riley is calling him, and he can hear her. Like, he has not heard her voice yet, but now it is loud and clear. Many tell me, you will know it is time when his quality of life is gone. It think it is. Even though right now he is smiling at me, being in what I call a "poop stance" whenever he is up, or out cold sleeping and leaking, just not so sure. He is also drooling a lot, and can't seem to hold his tounge in his mouth. I would like to think that he is happy and would not mind a bit continuing like this, but its no more walks, no more going places, just home bound. It is so much like Riley it is unbelievable. He wanted to be outside all the time. he goes to the same places that she always has in the yard. We will enjoy the next fourty eight hours. That is my plan, here I go again making all of the plans. When will I stop that. When will I just wake up in the moringing and say, okay god, what is your plan for today. That is what I need to do. I want to remember this day forever. There is no cloud in the sky, there is no breeze, just perfect crisp air. It smells clean out here. I want to remember walkers face always, his smile that he has, and still has. His soft soft fur. I remember feeling like I could not see where Riley was once she was gone. Now I want to see walker and know that he is still in our yard. That when people come over he is still running to greet them. Buddy, next time I post you will be with Riley. I will be okay. I will know that yall are together and both of you are watching us always. I want to give you this awesome gift. A new body. I just hope that I never have regrets, that I never look at any situation and say, I should have done that or I should have done this. Living in regret is truly awful. I want to beleive that I am a good mom, that I should not look at what I should have done, or what I should be doing, but what I am doing, and will do becuase it was what I needed to do at that moment. I have learned this week to let many things go, only focus on what is the most important. I feel I have let many down, made many look at me and think I am absolutly nuts. But that is okay. It will be better in the end. And isn't it the big picture that matters the most anyway. My family is the most important to me, I want to soak up every minute with them. Everything else is just gravy, I don't even like gravy, but you know what I mean. I love you Walker. I love you....I am not saying goodbye, I am saying see you later....I will feel you always, just in a different way. I feel like this has been the longest good-bye ever. I am learning though that is shows we don't ever really have to say goodbye...and if we don't leave then how can we ever come back. If I don't let you go, then you can't come back as a healthy new buddy. I want to give that to you. You have given everything to our family, now let us give you the best gift we can right now.

SEPTEMBER 22, 2011

Walker, you are such a good dog. You have always given and never have taken. As much as I loved and still love Riley, she did her share of taking....mostly giving, but still was the boss. You...you always give. You seem to smile all the time. You are uncomfortable right now, but try so hard not to show it. When I look into your eyes you still see happy, but know that you don't feel well. You want so badly to do what your normally do, but can't.

I hate this

I hate it...so so hate it

I don't mean it when I say if I knew it hurt so bad then I would have never gotten you. It would have been easier if we had never brought you and Riley into our home, but I still know I would not trade it for anything.

You are at the vet right now, and it is so quiet here. I can't stand it. I don't like the quite. I feel like I hear you, but know I don't.

I pray to know the difference between my selfishness and your peace.

I love you Walker, thank you for always smiling, never taking and always here to please. I can not imagine a more perfect dog then you. You are so perfect. I can't begin to list the ways that you are perfect. I am so glad that I get to bring you home today, my heart is breaking all over again.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2011

As I sign in this morning to blog, I yet again realize how all consumed my dogs are in my life. You see, they are my password to everything....I probably should not have just said that...but oh well. Got a card in the mail today from Walkers vet saying that he was due for his heart worm check, I assure you nothing is wrong with Walkers heart, he has bigger things to battle right now.

We went on our weekly morning walk to Barrow this morning. I think it was the last. Walker wanted to go, but on the way home he was dragging. He did not want to go up the hill to Jittery Joe's to get coffee, he knows how much I like this, but I assured him that it was okay and that we would brew some at home, and that he could help!

When we got home I gave him his morning cocktail of meds....we look like a pharmacy around here, I thought Riley had a lot of meds! After eating his new yummy food of fish...yes he is dining on salmon these days....he went to his favorite spot, Sams bed and is there resting comfortably. I plan to be here the whole day as usual, just to leave for 1 hour to go to Barrow to make sure the others know how important they are as I help with field day, but grand mom meme will take over as nurse while I am out. I am saving the grocery store for tomorrow so he will not be alone..

He had a great night last night...I think the pain meds made him feel calm and comfy, I might need to try one...just kidding. I promise I am trying very hard this time not to take a ride on the nutty train...I did go to bed last night at 9:00 and cried myself to sleep, but I am making it a point to not drown myself in sorrow...I feel every time I start up, walker looks at me like, come on mom, really....lets be positive now.

I will be positive, I will know that when the time comes I will let walker go to Riley....I will know that this is a gift for him, i know that when he seems to not be happy, i will give him that. We are close, but not there. I pray that I will know

I will think of the good times, not the times we will no longer have

Here are some things that have gone through my head the past few hours....

I will be sad when....

No more warm greetings at the door, the quietness that will be when he is no longer here, watching him sleep at night in the den, walks, talks, beach mornings with coffee, watching him watch every move the kids make, loving being at the bus stop and getting them off the bus, howling at firetrucks, being under the kitchen table when we eat dinner, walks to school, playing ball, laying in the yard, following me around everywhere I go, bringing me treasure after treasure, literally having a smile on his face, watching his whole body wag when he wags his tail, dressing him up for Halloween, watching the kids dress him up all the time, watching the kids play doctor on him or whatever else they have coaxed him into doing, which he does so graciously, taking him to the pool, to just about every where we go, taking him to school for Bo's show and tell...these are just a few for now....more to come.

Giving thanks for each day.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2011

Walker trying to hide from the camera...he is very sleepy

Got cha!

This is the bag all of Walkers meds came in....so sweet!

This is walkers medicine routine twice a day.....we will do this for a week and see if it stablilizes him and will contine as long as his quality of life is good.....

He is struggling going potty, so he has a stool softner, a anitbiotic because he has some infection around the tumor, meds for unset tummy feeling, pain meds, and meds for infamation that will help relieve some of the pressure the tumor is putting on his back legs casusing them to swell and making him unable to get up and down. Today is is able to get into a chair, and he is moving well today! He has a new food that he thinks is yummy that is pure fish and chicken. Walkers tumor is not the size of a football. He is not hurting, just very uncomfortable. The tumor is cutting off nerves making him unable to control some things...I can tell this is embarrasing for him. The lymph nodes are also not draining so all the fluid is going into his legs cause nerve damage and puffiness. This think is, he eats, and he want to be with us. Until that is gone, we will nurse him. We are his hospice. When he looks at me like Riley did I will let him go, let me go to where he will be given a new fresh body since this one is failing him.

I do not plan to leave walkers side...unless I have left him in the care of someone that loves him too, and that would just be brief :)

ok so

Baylen is napping, so I thought I would blog

I'm on the laptop beneath walkers favorite green recliner

that he is in, sleeping.

We just shared a snack, which was not exactly good, but

he wanted a little, so gave it to him :)

Two things that are making me sad today...that the things we are doing now, will be the last...our last walk to school, our last friday pizza night, our last walk in the park...

I also know that dog stuff is everywhere, the kids love scooby doo, they love shows with dogs, I don't know if I can watch dog shows anymore

Thinking a few things, I am a worrier, as much as I focus each day on not being one

I am

I worry that people get tired of hearing me talk about my dogs

Its normal and accepted that you talk about your kids

But not so much when it is your dogs

I can see people sometimes thinking "wow, she is not quite right"

It is kinda like mental illeness, people talk about heart problems and diabetis,

But when you talk about feeling depressed or anxious, not quite the same

It is a shame I have both.

It would be excepted if I talked about my child fighting cancer, and that I was on meds for my heart condition...which by the way I am so blessed the above two are not true....

But, the fact that I lost Riley and six months later will lose walker, while at the same time trying to keep my anxiety and depression in check, just get different looks I think

I am going to do things differently this go around

Instead of.....

not eating, I will eat

not exercising, I will

letting the house go to you know where, I will keep it up

getting easily frustrated with the kids and Kevin, I will try not to :)

not getting sleep, will try better

Thinking about how much I will miss walker, think about how much we gave eachother

instead of blaming God, know that it was time for him to take walker back because he loves him too

I do have to share something that happend this week

Sitting at the bus stop I told walker I just did not know if I could let him go and that if he was going, Riley was going to have to literally come down and get him, Right then a lady bug flew by on landed on Walker

Chills went down my spine

Riley is a lady bug

This was so real

This was SO real

A lady bug literally came at that moment and not also showed itself,

it landed on Walker.......

With something like that it has to be right, but still hurts so badly

When I talked to a dog communicatior right after Riley died, the lady said that Riley kept saying that she knew she was sick, but she wanted to wait around because she wanted to be here for me in six months when something was going to make me sad. now I know what it was.

I have so many things that point to feeling content, comforted and at peace, but I still have that lump that comes in your throat

Like I say, I know my dogs should not be my whole world, but they make my world whole. That's the thing. My kids, husband and family are so important, but something about my dogs just made it whole.

It was the fact they were always there and waiting, just wanting you to be there.

They did not care what we did

Where we went, they just wanted to be with you

I am starting to see some of the same things in Walker that I saw in Riley at the end

He breathing gets labored

He sleeps a lot

He even made a spot next to Rileys garden

He falls to the floor to lay down

He can't get on and off things like he use to

Why is it so hard to let go

I don't like it when I get irritated easily becuase deep inside I am hurting, I fear I take it out on others because I don't know how to vent it....

I just want God to take him, not that I want Walker to go, but I don't want to be the one to make the call. I just want God to wrap his arms around him and carry him to Riley. If love could keep him here I know he would be here forever. I feel like he is like inbetwee. He is here, but not here. He is so fine waist up, happy and eager, but he is falling apart below. I don't want him to be suffering, and right now he is not, but I want to let him go when he is, I just want to know when that is.

I don't see another dog in our future.

I feel selfish when I say that, but I just can't do this again

I can't fall in love again and have it taken away

I do want the kids to have a dog to teach them what Riley and Walker taught me, and the only way it will happen if it is their dog.

I can't get attached again

I won't, I will love it, but will not attach myself

Riley and Walker were a part of me, I feel like I have part of my heart gone....I know I will always ache because it is them inside of it.

I keep thinking about the Lion King

The circle of life

I know that is what this is

It just hurts

I don't know how people do this, losing parents, children, siblings,,,,I have a new apprecitation for grief

I am just thankful that maybe I have gotten through the grieving process because I was able to grieve Walker as I was grieving Riley

We were told yesterday that this cancer would not take Walkers life on his own

Why do I love so deep, it gets me into so much trouble

If I did not love so deep, it would not hurt so bad

Sometimes I wish I could just be cold hearted and not love so deep

SEPTMEBER 24, 2011

Went to the grocery store this am

It was a quiet Sat am, no kids and no crowd.

When I passed the dog food isle my heart skipped a beat

I told myself that I would not do this

but I did

I thought about how hard it will be when I don't have to go down that isle anymore

We take things for granted

"Having to get dog food" I would love to buy dog food!

"Having to let you wining dog out at three am" I wish I could always do that

"Having to clean up their mess, scoop up theri mess, fill water bowls, let out, let in, five bathes, vacumn up hair, get carpets cleaned, get dog hair up, load in and out of car, vet appt...the list goes on,,,all that sometimes seems to be a pain....really is such a blessing and something that will be deeply missed.

I have to say, Walker is AMAZING today! The doctor said with the six meds we put him on it would either imporve him or leave him the same, inwhich we would know if we would need to let go.

Walker is not ready, oh no

These meds are making him feel so better

Even though I know it is a quick fix, that the cancer will take over soon

I am enjoying today

Throwing the ball

Watching him run to get it

Playing tug of war

Watching him roll on his back

Jump up just a wee bit

Eagarly wag his tail at meal time

Want to bust out the door when we leave somewhere

Right now we are watching the Georgia game

He is cozy in his chair

Could ask for nothing more

Samantha dressed him this morning in a nice purple sparkly dress,

he looked thrilled as usual

You can read his mind,

Really, are you really doing this, but...I kinda like it

Lord here is my prayer

Help me not to look at tomorrow with sadness, worring about what may come sooner then later

Instead let me live today enjoying every moment soaking it up

Help me to look at the past and know that I have been the best mom I could be, giving the most

love that I have been capable of giving

Let me not look at the memories and wish I could have more, but look at them and be so

glad that they happened, and that they can replay in my mind day after day

That Riley will always be to my right and Walker to my left,

There tired bodies are not here next to me, just their spirit.

Their new bodies are running and jumping, togehter, they will be together

And, Sama Bo and Bay with have the coolest guardian angels ever!!!!!

I know I will be sad, I already am

But I must focus on Positive not negative, It is a minute by minute process.

I love my dogs, that complete me

Now Walker and I got some cheering to do, Go Dawgs!

AUGUST 19, 2011

So I have letters I have written to Riley and different items I want to post, but I just am not there yet. In time. As of now, I will post daily about Walker. I am doing this because part of my grieving Riley was that I worried that she did not know how much she was loved and that I took her for granted. When I say this to people they look at me like I am crazy, but it is a true emotion that I had. I did not know her day was her last, so she did not get special treatment as if it could be her last day. Not that we are looking at Walker like any day could be his last (but I did for the first few weeks), but I am more aware now of enjoying the simple things, and really being "in" the moment. Here are some things that I love that Walker does or has been able to do both for a long time now, but especially since his diagnosis....

He is always the first to greet you at the door tail a wagging

Even if his tail hurts when you hits ya, I am glad he is here so I can be hit with it, Baylen it the one suffering now since he is at the age of "tail in face when sitting" phase

I love how Walker takes stuffed animals with him to the yard every time he goes out

I love how he feels the need to grab a shoe from the shoe rack when we come into the house and carry it to the den

I love how he jumps on the couch each night to sleep by me while I watch tv

I love how at 3:00 he knows the bus is about to come, at 6:00 daddy is about to arrive, at 7:00 it is time for him to eat and after 10:00 he heads back to the bedroom to lay down

I love how he comes with me every afternoon to the bus stop, I can not explain the look he gets on his face, but I will post a pic here, when he hears the bus, he gets super excited he can't stand it, he runs trys to get on, does and waggy bottom tail dance and leaps across the street with the kids and trots home, as if he wants to know everything about their day

Even though it is gross, how he wants to lick Baylen as if he is his puppy

How he sits with me in Rileys garden

How he loves the beach and paces back and forth watching the kids every move

How he gets to go to pop pop and grammys for dinner and playtime

How he sits astute like a statue

How he really looks like he is smiling

How he sleeps on Sams bed, all day long, really he does

How he barks when people drive up or walk by

How he wants to be near you, always

How he does not bark to come in, just whines

How he goes to the pool with us and drinks water out of a Frisbee

How he comes into the play house and just hangs in the yard while we are playing

How he sits in the top of the yard, in the sunny spot with his tennis ball and just watches.

How when he runs now his little left leg kicks out

How he loves to chase the tennis ball

How he jumped up on me for the first time yesterday in a long time

How he always seems happy and never mad

How he went to school as Bo's show and tell and it was awesome

How he goes in the car with us almost everywhere we go

That he walks with us on Friday and Mondays to Barrow

How he really has gas all the time and it is not that we are blaming the dog

That he is so loyal and all he wants is your love and attention

Today I saw a lady bug, I will post later about why that reminds me of Riley, but it does, I was so excited to see her today :) I have decided that when walker goes and every time we see a school bus that is walker sending on....I love you buddy. Today is a good day, you are full of energy, happy and had a great walk to school! You are loved!

AUGUST 21, 2011

Say a little prayer for Walker, he does not seem well this morning. He is not his chipper self. He has been on Sam's bed all morning, not really lifting his head. I sat by him and said, I wish I could just lay here with you, and then I thought, why can't I, so I did. I just hope he can hang on a bit longer until we get back from our trip. I feel he is starting to get that look in his eyes, like he is tired. Walker has always been so happy and positive, so I think he is just now wondering why do I feel like this? I can see it in him. His tail did wag when the kids walked in, he was still lying down though. I remembered some more things...

I love the top of his head, so soft when you rub it,

His little sighs he makes when he is winding down,

How he licks his chops when he is satisfied,

How he is so happy to see Kevin and his whole body wags

How he just assumes he goes everywhere with us and just hops in the car,

How he runs in his sleep as if he is dreaming about chasing something,

He is probably dreaming about tennis balls and school buses,

I love you Walker, please know that, and I pray for peace that I was able to love you the most I could and enjoyed every moment of every day with you, enjoying the little things....

AUGUST 25, 2011

Walker I think you think you are a fire dog. When a fire truck comes by you howl at the window, like this long drawn out ohhhhhhhooowllllll....You have been doing this since you were a wee little boy. It hit me like a ton a bricks that before I know it you will not be here. You being sick has aloud me to not even notice, or I should say notice less, Riley not being here and the void she is unable to fill. I have been focused on how great it feels to have you around, it has kinda over compensated for her being gone. What I am dreading though, is when you are gone, I am afraid it will be multiplied, because then there will be nothing. I don't mean that I will have nothing, but you two not being here will be haunting to me. I thought of the whole day and how you are a part of it...

First thing when I wake up, you pop up and I give you a head rub then you want to go outside for a bit

You hop into the car to take the kids to school and wait patiently in the car, and then again while I am in jittery joes and some days you even walk with us to school and everyone loves to see you

When we are at home in the am you go where we go, what room we are in you are in, if we are outside you are outside, your fav place is on Sams bed or in the green chair. You sleep most of the day

You go with me to the bus stop, one of my most fav parts of the day by far. We sit, we wait, we enjoy the moment.

Your tail wagging so much it makes your whole body move when you go to see Sam and Bo off the bus.

How you run home ahead of us and know just where to go to get back inside.

How you go on trips with us to the beach, and to the beach, and in the golf cart, and to the pier, on morning strolls, on afternoon potty breaks...

You hang with the kids in the afternoon and love to play a little ball, sit with me in Rileys garden and visit the playhouse. You sit on the hill with your ball by your side and smile, tongue out to the side, and smile, proud and happy

In the evenings you get a little hungry and start letting me know it is time for food, you love pushing your bowl across the kitchen to get every little bit. You hang out under the kitchen table to see if crumbs will fall, we have even found you on top of that table!

You help clean dishes and then go to the pool with us

At the pool you love to pace, catch balls and sit in the grass and watch,

You have your own spot in the car, you love to look out the window too.

At night you listen to each bedtime story that is read.

You then lay with daddy and I in the den and just rest,

Then you actually let us know when it is time to go to bed and you lay just to the left of our bed, on the floor and sleep.

I hope this will repeat for many days to come. I do know that when you are not here I will miss you every minute. You have helped to fill the hole I have in my heart because Riley is not here, I just don't know what will help fill it when you are gone. Walker I love you, please help me feel you still here in all of those places when you are no longer by my side.

When I was on the beach a few weeks ago watching the sunrise with Walker I said, Riley, how can I know you are here with me? I looked down on the sand and saw a lady bug. Who sees a lady bug on a beach, it was Riley. From now on when I see a lady bug I know it is her. It helps. I also know Riley is near when I feel a rush of wind. This happens when I am sitting in the playhouse or at the bus stop. It is the kind that out of no where the wind just blows. I love to close my eyes and just feel her presence. I think that when walker is gone from this place I will think of him when I see a tennis ball, he will send them to me often. Also, a school bus, I know he will be in heaven chasing them every time he sees one, looking for Sam and Bo to get off of it. I hope he has a field full of tennis balls and that he feels good enough to jump high and get everyone of them. I hope he will see Riley laying beside him, thin yet stocky, with a nice coat of hair, feeling so good. I know that when I sit at the bus stop and that wind blows it is Riley and when I see the leaves dance on the trees it is Walker.

I get sad when I look over the yard and see Riley and Walker running in it, and know that Riley is no longer, and soon Walker too. I want the perfect picture, white picket fence, kids playing, dogs running, its just not complete without them. I try to picture it now so I can prepare myself to how it will feel. But instead, I am going to enjoy now. Instead of wishing it will always be how it is right now, I am just going to enjoy right now. I know that if I got what I wished for every time I wished that things would stay the same then I would not have the blessings that I have now. I would not have my dogs or my kids. Even though I think it is perfect now, it will be perfect then too. God will comfort me, he will be next to me, and I know he will give me the peace that I need that Riley and Walker are there too.

AUGUST 2011

Bo asking if there are any questions about his dog Walker, his show and tell!

Love how walker looks like he is looking at Bo like, am I really doing this right now?

Bo waiting for his class to come out and see his show and tell....

Baylen catching bubbles

In a daze...

Today's devotion is two fold. I went to lunch with Bo and took walker for his show and tell, that was more then God could ever speak to me through a devotion! It was perfect. It was fun eating my very first ever lunch with Bo, just me and him, no Baylen or Sam to steal my attention. I brought him his favorite Burrito! When the lights went off he told me I had to be quiet and if I was not then I had to go to the principals office and get paddled. Yikes! Bo's class read a book about Boomer the dog went to school so of course Bo wanted to take his dog! Walker was a huge hit! Bo was so proud. He asked everyone if they had any questions. Then as I was walking back I got to see Samantha also, she was happy to see Walker, more so then me I think. It was a perfect hour. Walker got a lot of love, Bo was prouder then ever, and Samantha looked like she was having a blast. Not to mention today Baylen said MaMa for the first time and we played for hours blowing bubbles and in the yard....great day...God is good...and know he is hanging with Riley smiling down. :)

JULY 10, 2011

Well, I have not been able to write this until now, but we found out on Thursday July the 7th that Walker has cancer. It is also the day that my amazing sister had Hudson! He is so cute and I love him so much! So so precious. It is amazing how life is full of good and bad, happy and sad.

We had noticed that Walker had not been himself the past few weeks. We blamed this on him grieving Riley. I had also noticed a bump on him, but we thought it was just his hip. He had stated limping also, so I took him in. Before I knew it Dr. Mosher said, this does not look good, as he was feeling his hip he said I will be honest with you I am concerned with this. He did x rays and I told him take care of Walker, and that the last time I left Riley it was not good. He said lets not go there yet. I left Walker, and headed to the hospital. I was worried. The same feelings I had the day I left Riley for the the last time. I called to check on him, no news. Then Dr. Mosher called. He said that his numbers did not look good and it was pointing to cancer. He said it looked like lightning was going to strike twice this year. We still were not for sure, but things did not look good. I went straight up there, Walker was getting x rays and I could hear him yelping. I waited and Dr. Mosher gave me the news. He showed me the x-rays and we saw the tumor. I went back to see Walker, he was coming back to from being sudated. I was still in shock. Kevin and I met with him later and it was a blur. I have changed his diet to chicken and rice. We will meet tomorrow to see what our next step will be. I am feeling guilt and saddness. I have so much to be thankful for and joyful for, but I am sad about my doggies.