Lost for words

I am at a lost for words tonight

just don't understand

I know I am not to understand

But that does not make it any easier

Went to see Grammy tonight

That was one of the hardest things

I have seen

Saw a helpless women

in a hospital bed

With one son holding one hand

the other son the other

and a loving husband at the food of the bed

All she could do is moan

help

help me

It is so hard

not being able to help

someone that is hurting

I am amazed with how

similar this is with Walkers death

I do not mean to sound unsensitive compairing the two

But Kevin often does

To see her pain

and we can do nothing about it

shows me

that we gave Walker

the best thing someone could ever do for someone

We gave him such the gift

I am so amazed

how walker showed true love at the very end

he loved kevin so much

he died for Kevin

so he could pave the path

of his pain

Walker was diagnoised July 7th

he battled and fought

up and down

for a little over three months

We had such a hard choice at the end

we wanted to hang on

it was hard to watch

him suffer

we felt that pain

for three months

then

a few weeks before Walker left us

Kevins mom

was diagnosied with practicaly

the same cancer

same prognosis

same treatment options

she showed such love and compassion

for walkers final days

Here we are now

just a little over three months

after Grammys diagnosis

and we are at the same crossroads

She is in pain

she is suffering

It is awful

the thing is

we can do nothing

but pray

and wait

I feel Kevin is strong

becuase his side kick

paved this path for him

it gives me chills

to think about

She is having the exact same problem

that Walker had

It is not a happen stance

God works

when we think he is not

His hand is in everything

I know

that all that matters

is how much I love my family

and how much they love eachother

As I walked out of the hospital

I stroked her hand

She called me mom

as she briefly opened her eyes

In a way

that was the best thing she can say

even if it was probably out nowhere

the fact that her last words to me

may have been mom

it was a compliment

if she sees me as mom

that is all i need

she was and is such a great mom to her boys

if she looks at me as a mom too

and that is what she thinks when she sees me

that is all I need

It was hard to see her

very hard

it was hard to see her in a state

that she told me so many times

that she did not want to be in

she so did not want this

I remember her telling me

she did not want to be a burden

she did not want people just looking at her

she did not want people to be sad

I want to give her that

I want things to happen fast

she her wish is granted

I could not help but to think of Bo and Baylen

holding my hands

like her sons were holding hers

heartbreaking

truly

I pray for strength

guidance

and peace

for everyone

this is a journey

Like I have said before

I have learned so much these past few months

and most importantly

I have learned

that health and a loving family

is all I need

nothing else really matters

no reason to stress

We can't take that with us

we can only leave the ones we love

with warm memories

of how much we loved them...

#3

A trip back from the beach with my three kids, with a big cup of coffee and tons of laughing

A grandmother that was here for me when I needed her most

A sweet little girl that gave me and huge kiss on my cheek tonight, out of nowhere and told me she loved me...