Drowning over here..but not really

So I say I am drowning

I really am not

I do have it under control

It just amazes me how I have all of these plans

and about 2 percent of them get done

I don't know how long it will take me

to just realize

that I just need to be fine

with getting by

with the bare minimum

if the kids are taken care of

and I have given them all the time in the world

then all else is just extra

Wednesdays are always crazy

each Wednesday I tell myself

that the next one will not be

but it is

I just don't understand

why everyone else

seems so relaxed

I guess I do to

on the outside

I can always tell

when I get a little overwhelmed

I start to have new health problems

pop up

and my anxiety hits the roof

I have what if thinking

and worries

and then I get to have bible studies

like I did tonight

where we talk about submission

and handing everything

yes everything

over to God

that is so hard

so hard

I like to say I do this

but I do not

It is like I give Him one section of the house

But he want to come into all of it

I let him have parts of my life

but other parts

I still think I am in control of

Finding it hard

to balance

worry

with real concern

My anxiety

with real world anxiety

Is it normal to worry that you will not grow old

Is it normal to think every pain is something awful

Is it normal to second guess just about everything you do

wondering

wishing

wanting

to have done it a little different

better

or not as much

How do you know when your hobby

turns into a bit of an obsession

and your normal concerns

manifest themselves

into a full blown panic attack

I have to remind myself sometimes

that I am the mommy

I am the one that is suppose to have all the control around here

but sometimes

I still feel like the small one

that is looking to her mommy

to be reassured

that all is okay

I am okay

Just getting a good lesson

on how to practice submission

and know that God wants to come into my whole house

not just the kitchen

or the playroom

but the whole house

I need to hand him my worries

anxieties

obsessions

and let Him guide me

and reassure me

that I am doing

the best that I can

today

I am so proud of Sam

and I hope I tell her often enough.

She blows me away

she is so sweet

creative

and perfect

so perfect

I find myself going back into her room

over and over again

to tell her how much I love her

and am proud of her

Love Love that little girl

so much

She puts her whole heart and soul in to everything that she does

and often wants to know

what she can do to help me

she helps me everyday

by being her

she is more then I could ever imagine having

Bo I had fun watching you today laugh

a lot

you are so happy

you make me happy

when you show me

everyday

how much you love life

and often was hugs

and cuddles

and look up

and say

You love me

and I will say

yes

and you will smile

love it

love it so much

I love how you love

the simple things in life

and Baylen

I love it when you sit on my lap at storytime

I love it when you pick up what your playing

and move it to a new room when I move

you just crave to be near

and i crave you

your sweet little self

you are growing way to fast for mommies liking

you are such a little man

And piper

I have to say

I kinda almost fell in love with you today

not quite

but you are tugg'n a bit

say glimpses of Walker in you today

and it made my heart smile

I like you a lot

I will say that

Thank you God

for showing me sunlight

everyday

no matter the circumstances

I Feel I am growing each day

to not get bogged down

on what did not get done

but focus more on

what did