Big Girl Pants

Today I decided to put my big girl pants on

Everyone has been catering to me

for a while now

I have had saddness

for nine months now

everyone has been there for me

everyone has listened

I have talked and talked

and they have listened and listened

now it is my turn

to put my big girl pants on

and instead of taking

and looking

for what makes me feel better

I am taking the plunge

way out of my comfort zone

and just listening to others

instead of my own inner voice

that has been haunting me

all week

I have not had a single soul

tell me

I should not get this puppy

but even with tons of yes's

I say no

a million and one times

I miss my dogs

I want my dogs

but

I can't

and will never

have them back

the thing that I do have

is memories

their pictures are in every room

their faces are in my every thought

that will never change

what I have decided though is

I can't get another dog

that looks like them

so I can pretend

that they are here

that is not good

for anyone

I need to let them be part of my past

living in the present

with memories

not being recreated

with something

that they are not

so

I am keeping the puppy

against my gut feel

because I have learned

my gut feel

sometimes is a bit warped

I am thinking of my kids

and my husband

and even though we have so much joy

that we don't need this dog to have joy

I need to let them know

that I can move forward

and not stay stuck

not saying that I am forgetting

but I am not letting myself

not live

I am too happy

with my life

to be stuck

I feel

until I take this step

and learn to love again

I will be stuck

forever

I need to show myself

that I have enough love to give

a new friend

not taking their place

but allowing them to live

by loving again

not instead

but more

I am not sure this even makes since to me

but I do know

that my kids

and my husband

mean the world to me

and I do not want to disapoint them

I did not want to take that chance

So

but putting my big girl pants on

I am not having regrets

I am not thinking what ifs

or if I onlys

I am living

pressing forward

and trusting

that the choices I make

are in line

with Gods mighty plan