Lists. lots of lists

EVER FELT LIKE YOU WERE STUCK IN A BUCKET.....

Ok. So. I think I got it. I finally realized that the most important thing I can do is what is most important at that moment. I have planned so much, then life happens. It is not that I don't want to stop planning, but be okay when plans change. I also have to stop feeling guilty when I mess up and am not as perfect as I want to be. The most important is to what I think I need to do and want to do at that moment in time....

What I LOVE about my journey right now...

That the death of Riley and Walker truly showed me how big my heart is and that it breaks easy, but the broken pieces can still be filled by them and always will. That they hurt that I feel with their loss has allowed me to love on my kids even stronger because I have that much love to give.

That I am able to take care of this little family of mine with my husband out of town, and knowing that it would be easy for me to cry and crumble, I have proved to myself that I am strong.

Taking nature walks with the kids, I love fall. Walking around the block with the kids yesterday was amazing. We were in no hurry and just enjoyed.

Getting down on Bo's level when he is talking to me and showing him that I really am listening to every word he says

Sleeping with the kids for almost two weeks straight now

Teaching fitness classes that I love, and getting rid of the ones I don't enjoy and learning it is all about being happy and loving what you do while your doing what you love

How organized my house is right now

That Baylen gets down low when he sees something neat, crouches down with his hands on his knees. Love it

Going to the football game this past weekend with Dad and Sam and Bo!

Going to the football game this weekend with Kevin and Dad

Last weekend watching football on Sat night with a cocktail and book....that was nice, only thing missing was my dogs

Football Saturdays with Sams soccer games in the am are the best!!!!

Letting Sam have spend the night company on Friday and Sat because she is just so good....and going to Fun Friday in Watkinsville and the homecoming parade...such fun! Just wish I felt good!

That Samantha is always apologizing when she feels she has not been nice. She is so kind hearted and so grown up. I love the relationship we have right now

I am so thankful for a loving family and caring friends that are always calling and wanting to help

What I am NOT so happy about in this season...but know this soon will pass...

My husband being gone, and my mother in law being so sick

The heartache of missing my dogs

The constant feeling of guilt that I don't give the kids everything that my heart desires to give them, time being the most important. I can so handle them, and love love every minute, and don't even feel overwhelmed, I just want each of them to always know how special they are to me, and I just crave more one on one time with them.

I feel sad that Baylen is 18 months, I just love him so much, when I don't have a little one around I will be so so sad. I finally feel like I have the hang of this, right when they are growing up!

I don't like the fact that I have zits at 34

I don't like the cold that I have had for four days that has caused me to not be able to go and do like I had wanted...

With all of this said, it goes to show that God has the plan, I thought I did, but he does. When I think about all the different seasons that we go through, this is definitely one of those sad ones. We will come out of the season though. And in each hard season, you can look at the good in it. I looked at Baylen today while he rode his horsey and thought, I can't believe God gave him to me, and gave me Sam and Bo too. I am so so blessed. They are my everything. I feel closer to my husband now then ever, and my parents and sisters too. I have the best friends I could ever imagine.

So, when I think things are rough, I look around. Yes I hurt from loss but other do to. People lose their fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, friends, kids....everyday. It is such a awful thing. But, when we think we can't bear it we can. We get through it, and we are stronger for it. We always have the memories. This is not a reason to live each day worried about what sad thing will happen next, but rather it makes us so happy for the awesome things that we have before us. I always tell the kids, now is that worth crying about. I have to ask myself that too. There is a fine line in just not caring about something, and caring too much about it. We want to have goals and plans but we also have to always remember that we may make the plans, but God is the one that ultimately makes it happen. I pray each day that I will let God show me what I need to do that day, and know that no matter what happened, it happened like it was meant to happen. No regrets, no guilt, just thank fullness!

Here are some things I would like, according to my plan to get done in the near future...

Set up a good cleaning schedule

Organize my kids school folders and frame favorite art work from each year

Frame my favorite pics of Riley and Walker to put on the wall and make them a special memory wall full of wonderful things

Finish the kids framed wall with pictures from each year

Make our Christmas card

Thank all the people that I love so much

Send Riley and Walkers vet a card from them

Catch up and mail and bills

Set a good blog schedule

Sit down with the kids and talk about what they want for Christmas

Spent our afternoons outside in the awesome fall weather

Go through the final pile of clutter in my house and just "let go"

Really have a four o'clock tea time each day

Get rid of the 1800 emails that I have

Really have a devotion each morning in the garden, for real

Get Walkers Box back so I can complete the garden

Make Walkers Scrapbook...so much of the dogs things I want to do to remember them, in the mean time I want to write a book, but the blog will have to do for now!

Finalize my workout schedules and clients also so we can all be doing out very best

Have one note book that has everything in it, instead of 10!

Make some lists, that I will try to follow, I know I know, I just love lists...

I also want to stop feeling guilty for feeling that I don't always do the right things, I sat here and thought today all the things I don't go to....meetings after meetings, socials after socials...etc. I seem to always focus on what I do go to!

What I would like to do each day....

Have coffee in the garden to welcome the day

Get my workout in

Get all the kids up and to school on time, looking cute and happy

Get to where I need to be on time

Get my daily chores done

Get a shower and look presentable

Spend time with Walker

Get my devotion in

Write a note to someone letting them know

My goal, if I can just do this then nothing else matters...

Eat five veggies/fruits a day and my kids too

Take my vitamens, and kids do to

Drink water

Exercise

Wash my face, brush my teeth, not look like a frumpy mom and have the kids look cute too

Do everything in moderation,...not take on too much

Always be positive and never complain....

Then I think I will be all good!