Control

Control

we really have none

the only thing I really can control

the temperature I set the house at

what I buy at the grocery store

What I choose to do for exercise for the day

Where I drive my car or do with my day

But as I right that short list I think

the heater could go out

and my car could break down on the way to the store

or my kids could have a melt down and we do not go where we had planned

or I could feel sick or get injured and not be able to workout

so

really I don't even have control over what I think I have control over

I don't even have control over my kids

I can think I do

and I can try to

but they can choose to rebel

run away

or cry

or better

mind

which they usually do

but still

not my control

Why do I still try to have the control

Why do I still focus on what I can do nothing about

instead of just cruising and trusting

the concept seems so simple

so nice

so freeing

but to get that peace

is so hard

I tell you what is easy

to look at others and think their problems are so silly

to watch others do exaclty what I do

yet they seem so pety

Why is it that my issues seem real

and others not so much

How can I read the scripture

teach the word

want so badly to live it

but I struggle

I know

I know

becuase being a christian is not easy

it is an uphill climb

it is in our trials that we lean on our faith the most

we just don't see it until afterwards

I think I am hypersensitive right now

A year ago riley was at the vet

it was a night just like this

It really will be this Saturday night

but it was a Thursday night last year

I feel like I am closing in on the first year that started all of my losses

Kevin told me tonight

you know we have hard times all of our lives

times we really loose control

I could not control losing a baby a few months into our marriage

I could not control it taking four long years to get my sweet Samantha

but it is easy to look back and understand

that she was worth the wait

and I think thank goodness I did not have control

or I would not have her

I could not control that I lost her twin

I could not control that We got Bo

kinda a surprise

did not think it was possible without help

but he came on his time

and again

not in control

yet so grateful

Baylen too...

thought why is a few months going by

no baby

and then now...

yes

yet again

so glad I was not in control

Jobs changed

freaked out

now see

all good

the list goes on and on

on situations that you feel are hopeless

and you are out of control

yet you see the silver lining

that it was better that you were not

Kevins point was

our past year has been hard

because we have been slapped pretty hard with out of our control

riley

Walker

Grammy

and

still have not seen a silver lining

Three things have happend

not in our control

and yet

still waiting for that

oh

okay

all is good

I know that our family is closer

and that I don't let the little things get to me

but still

it has caused me to be in a bit of a panic

wondering if the loss will continue

I know it was just a season

I know

but it is hard to trust

that it is okay for things to be okay

and even if they are not

they are

I treasure my three children more then ever

they three are the three miracles in my life

God blessed me so much

I get sad when I don't spend every single moment thinking and remembering

every little thing about how great the are

I know it

but I don't ever want to forget what miracles they are

really

I want to be free

and just enjoy

I say it all the time

but I want to do it with out thinking

never being sad that time seems to fly

but insead looking forward to what is to come

instead of being stuck in the what if

oh no

did I do

world

I guess I am being tested yet again

I know I am

I am determined to pass this test

I will let go

I will gain peace

it is a journey

good thing I am a distance runner

wishing lately that I was a sprinter

ready for this journey is be over

so I can enjoy the moment