This is a Christmas
like no other before
When I sit here reflecting over this year
I have learned more
spiritually
mentally
physically
these past seven months
then I think I have
in the last 33 years
For real
When I think back to April
it was a whole different time
I worried about he small stuff
I planned out what I thought would happen
I got wrapped up
in everything
instead of
just enjoying
everything
I thought my faith was strong
but
it was not
I thought I had all the control
but I do did not
I thought a lot of things
that now
I do not
It is amazing how in eight months
so
so much
can change
I heard something today
that is so true
All we really have
is the moment
Really
All we really have is the moment
It is
so
true
It is okay to look forward to the future with excitment
and look into the past with memories
but
if we are looking into the future with
a I got it all figured out
and this and this needs to happen
for me to be happy
or ok
then we have it all wrong
If we are looking into the past
with regret
we have it all wrong
if we are too wrapped up in the future
and the past
and not in
the moment
we have it all wrong
You see
now
I look at the future
knowing that it really does not matter
what I think
what is going to happen
will happen
I can make good choices
but
what is going to happen
will happen
I might as well
sit back and let it
not fight it
but know
that it is God's will
for me
I will look at the past
and not wish things could be one way
or another
but know that they happened
like they did
for a reason
and I now
am stronger
and who I am
because of it
How can
in eight months
so much happen
Riley died
It took my breath away
I had such little faith
so so little
I was mad
confused
sad
every
emotion
out there
possible
It was like the wind started to blow
blow hard on April 29th
The storm was coming
I was weak
so I was knocked down
way down
I got up a little
just a little
Thought I was stronger from that wind
But was not
In July
just eight weeks later
it started to rain
it rained hard
Walker was sick
and he could not be fixed
The wind came back
worse then before
and I was right back in a storm
this time
I became more aware
of how weak I was
eight more weeks went by
The storm settled
It was still rainy
but we knew
that God was our refuge
and he was keeping us safe
we were still in the midst
but we were riding that wave
then
a lightning bolt
Kevin's mom
eight weeks later
was sick
very sick
like Walker
was not able to be fixed
Really God
I just don't know if I can do this
It is getting pretty scary around here
Yet again
God helped us
stay strong
but it was still raining
and four weeks later
The thunder rolled
Walker left us
and it hurt
it hurt so bad
We had not experienced
death with Riley
that came out of no where
It was that storm that just popped up
no warning
there were regrets
there was what if's
there was sadness
now we
had experienced a different storm
the kind that they warn you about
yet when it comes
it is so much worse
then they predicted
Watching the storm
calm in the end
was still painful
even though we knew
that the storm was slowing
our hearts were still aching
at all that had been
ruined
Our hearts
were broken
It was still
very still
very still
now
just eight weeks later
we are in another storm
Kevins mom
is not well
it hurts
it hurts
to see someone that loves so much
not able to love
like they want to love
it is hard
to know that
we are not in control
and that we can not fix
nor stop
these storms
As 2011
winds to an end
I can honestly say
I am ready
ready to put this storm
behind me
Knowing that I do indeed
fear the storm
I know where the control is
and it is not in me
I know that God
does not want
these storms to happen
he wants to comfort us
in the storms
we are not to understand
nor like it
but
we are to trust
and know
that good
will come out of it
always
I have grown in my faith
I am truly not afraid
of death
I know
that no storm
will ever keep me away
from the ones I love
and that one day
we will all be
together
again
I have learned
to appreciate the little things
like
listening to every word
Samantha says
and to never be
too busy
for a talk
I have learned to watch Bo when he falls asleep
and watch how peaceful
and sweet he is
I have learned
to enjoy every moment
I am with Baylen
and to know
that they do not stay
small for long
I have learned
to always love
be positive
and know
that everyone has a battle
that they are fighting
Everyone
Everyone
We are either in a storm
coming out of one
or about to go in
As much as I have not liked
this awful storm
I know there is a rainbow
I know my dogs are
at rainbow bridge
waiting
to see us again
one day
I know there is a rainbow
waiting
for all of us
to brighten our days
when we feel we do not have hope
So,
This Christmas
I am looking at things a little different
I am not stressed about the perfect gift
the perfect cookies
or being and seeing everything
I am just counting my blessings
Thinking about the warm memories
and praying
a lot
that my heart continues to be open
and my ears continue to be ready
to hear what God has to say
to me each day
And that I will
always be in the moment
knowing
that the moment
is all we really have anyway
Thanking God tonight
for the memories of an amazing childhood
with parents that love me
family that supports me
and to be able
to love as deep as I do
I thank God for the magic of Christmas
and for allowing me to have a new
outlook
and really for the first time ever
feel
what Christmas is all about
I have always wanted to
but this year
I so
so
know
I am thanking God
for giving me hope
for the future
and to not be scared of future storms
but to know that they are indeed coming
but I am equipped to handle them
whole heartly
knowing that my savior
is with me
to keep me standing
when I feel weak
Merry Christmas....
It is my prayer
that everyone can love
as I have loved
nothing
is more important
then love
and that
can never
ever
be taken away
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