intense conversation

Samantha and I had a pretty intense conversation tonight in bed. She was asking me all about heaven. She said that she layed in bed sometimes at night and worried that she would not wake up. She also told me that if she had to choose she would rather die in her sleep then not, so then she would not know she died. She told me she did not want to die after me because she did not want to be here without me. I can remember as a child thinking these same things. She said she could not picture heaven, she wanted to know if she would be able to see herself there, who would cook her dinner and what would she do. She wanted to know if there would be snakes and spiders there. I told her if she did not want those things to be there, then they would not be. She said she was really sad about it. I told her that that was normal and that is what faith is all about. Believeing in something that we can't see. I told her that I to this day struggle, and wondering, and worry, and get sad sometimes, but that it makes you really focus on the imortant stuff and what really makes you happy. I told her to pray when she felt scared, to pray to God to make her feel less scared. I told her to focus on being happy and to keep asking those good questions.

Then I went to read to Bo, and rock Baylen, which I love to do so much....and now I am on the couch with Walker talking with Kevin...which we got scary news tonight about Grammy. I just pray for peace and patience, and healing on so many levels. There has been a black cloud hanging out at our house lately, I know God is molding and shaping our family...never thought 2011 I would learn so much about grief love and trust. I do know I love my family so much, nothing is more important to me then my kids, dogs, husband parents and sisters. I love them and that is all the matters, I could live in a trailer park and as long as I had them, and they had me that is all I would EVER want. I am praying for comfort tonight...for Sams sweet little heart, for Kevins heart, for his mom and dad and for me to be strong, I have done enough leaning on others, it is time for me to show love by being the one to lean on.....