This only happens when the older two have just gotten off the bus and both have to be somewhere in ten minutes....never on a day around 10 in the am when we have no where to be...yep just at 3:20 on the one day we had to be out the door...sometimes I wonder if these two would be better off without the older two because they would not be carted everywhere...and wonder if the older two would be better off without the younger two so I could pay more attention to them rather then changing diapers and getting more juice..can you tell this mommy is having some guilt issues?

Yes lots...

It is official my 10 year old had her first teen moment that send a dagger through my heart

After I had spend most of my day searching for solar system supplies, and got books on the solar system, which I was later told was lame because there was Google ...I dropped Samantha off at her friends to make the project.....

Then I was off to take Bo to a birthday party....at a playgroup or two hours....

It was a blast and Bo had fun

I just had to hike a half mile twice for my small bladder son to tinkle

Hince we would have normally used a bush...but there were people everywhere

In the mean time McRae is being swung everywhere...and pretty warm to say the least

So, finally time to head home...to get Sam on the way....

I have three tired hungry sweaty boys in the car

When I stop to get Sam...she is not ready to say the least

They are done and just hanging out...but Sam made it very apperant that she was not ready

One of those moments where you do not know how to act because the parent is right there

Anyway.....very sweetly I said come on pepper...we got to go...boys are in the car.

She said, I don't want to see my dumb brothers...as she is laughing with her friends

I let it go

Okay, well they are waiting and are tired so lets go

"Why don;t you take them home and then come back later"

really

really

With a smile on my face, I said, no sweet pea

they have been focusing on you all day and need to get home...lets go

She looked at her friends and said "I don't like you...I don't want to go"

Gulp

What the......beep beep blank

Again, okay...well I am sorry you feel that way but I am going to the car and hope you will be there in two minutes

I smiled at the mom...we walked out the door and I acted as if everything was super duper

As I got to the car sweet Baylen had passed out...and Bo was practically in McRaes seat trying to calm him...

yes the air was going full blast and I could see the car....so don't call d fax

When Sam got into the car, she acted as if nothing was wrong

When we got home I told her to sit in her room as I took care of all three boys needs first before hers...

She burst into tears.

She knew

I never had to say anything

She begged for forgiveness

I told her I had read a scripture this morning

"We are all hearers of the word, so we must be doers"
I explained to her that we all know what we should do

She has a good sweet heart, but we must do what we beleive, and not just belice it

I went on to bathe her like I have to now with her foot and serve her up her favorite mac in cheese

We had a long talk

But, I can't help but to wonder what is coming

It is like I said in the very first paragraph....not meaning it the wrong way, but I have so much guilt

I often wonder if the older two suffer because I have to take care of lots of needs for the younger two so they get slighted...and then same thing for the younger ..do they feel like they are carted everywhere and the world revolves around the older two

I often think

If I just had one...it would get 100 percent

Now I have four and they are just getting 25 percent

will they be harmed by this

I know the answer no

I know

But I can't help but to think it

Would I trade one in

NO WAY

that is not what I am saying

I am just saying I wish I could give my all all the time to all of them

It is just so hard

At night when I pass out I often fall asleep going over my day and wondering if each of them felt the love I have for them

Wondering if I lost my patience and for one second did one of them not feel as important as the other

I am looking forward to summer

My one thing I want more then anything is to hop off the worry train

just be

just live in the moment in a sense of not second guessing or having what if thinking

I want to never feel rushed or feel like I have to do something or have to be somewhere

I want to learn to just be, and not have to be at it all...or perfect at it all

Summer here I come

I want to surround myself with my kids

Just lay there and let them fall over me like water fills the gaps of rocks in a creek

Just lie there,,,,and play an laugh

and just let them fill me.....and not rush them...hurry them......or anything of the sense. 

Stay tuned.....

will let you know how it is going