Had one of those days yesterday and the day before....which is my excuse for not posting for two days....that was well, wow. Nothing really I can pin down, but for real was going a mile a minute. I was physically emotionally and mentally drained! Nothing huge happened, just little thinks kept chipping away....let me explain
A whinny two year old, that said "momma hold me" which, I love, I really do, but this baby was not liking it and for the first time I was feeling the fatigue
But I think of all the moms that have kids grown up, and wish that they could hold a little one
and then I gladly....reach down and get that little buddy....
Mentally...
A two year old that will not go to bed at night with out a 10 minute ritual of...hand pound...piper hand pound....samanthat (aka pepper) kiss....Bo kiss....read nother book, milk, brush teeth, cover me, light on, elmo pillow, no covers, wheres daddy, juice, music on, and then it cycled back through because he forgot that he had gotten all of the above...
patience
I pray for patience
Everynight after I decompress for a few minutes I feel bad that I lacked patiece
but it wears on ya
I smile
and my heart loves it
deep down
but by 8:26
I am out of energy
Physically.....
A six year old that I promise does not use the floor to walk on
He is leaping from sofa to chair and back again
I often find him dancing on top of the dinner table....
the energy
He is usually first up
last to sleep
he has not mute button
he is on or off
He also has no volume button
he is loud or quiet
and when he is quiet
something is up
I try to not loose patience with him
when he is wrecking everything around him including our mental state
and he does not like to clean up ANYTHING in his path
and if you ask him too
It is like asking him to get a tooth pulled
I love him, don't get me wrong
but again
exhausting
And a 9 year old
Bless her little heart
her mind races a mile a minute and that exhaust me in itself
she thinks, thinks and thinks some more
she in no way physically or mentally exhausting...but she got me in the emotional department
Do I wave to her, or not
do I hug her or not
do I walk her to class...do I tell her i love you...if I do she may be embarrassed, if I don't she may think I did not mean it
Lots of what I say is taken the wrong way
like I said before
bless her heard
When I discipline her brother, she takes the blame and begs for forgiveness and I know this sounds sweet
but it to can wear on you
we do need to polish that halo daily
She has got to be the sweetest kindest kid anywhere
but she has quite the emotion
and yes,
she got it from me
I think often of the little fifth graders moms blog I follow that is battleing cancer for the forth year....man am I blessed
Even though I am tired...I am blessed...and blessed to be tired!
Not sure about the baby...wondering what is left in me in the end of the day....knowing it will balance out...I am sure of it!
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5
I love this verse and I need to reflect on it daily....I have this thing in my mind that everyone is judging me. From my kids to my friends, clients to my family. And no, they do not give me ANY reason as to really doing this
.It is all in my head
I need a reality check sometimes that I am not the vine
I am indeed a branch
and all of my strength comes from God
Maybe the reason I get so tired is because I cut myself from the vine and tried to do it all on my own
perfectly
to the t
not wanting to leave any mess behind in the kitchen
or raise my voice for one second with the kids
I want to do and be so much to them
to everyone
but
I have to stay connected to that vine
and know that God wants me to be a branch
he wants me to remain in Him, and know that if I don't fill my cup daily
I am nothing
can do nothing
So
as I get cited for a barking dog...which I spend hours a day making sure sure she is not barking
as I find out things are being done that hurt me by peers and friends
I must remember that God has that plan
and it is not for me to make everyone happy
every minute of the day
and it is not for me to try to prove myself to anyone
or wonder what they are thinking
It is for me to show his love
and in his love
we are not perfect
we are weak
he is where we get our strength
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